
A Pair of Idiots 




s 




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A Pair of Idiots 



A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 



By Eleanor Maud Crane 



Author of '^ Just for Fun/' '^ Men, Maids, and Match- 
Makers/* and '' The Last New Year/' etc. 



ii 



Copyright, Eleanor Maud Crane, ipo2 



NEW YORK 

Dick M Fitzgerald 

l8 ANN STREET 












THE LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS, 

Two C0WE8 Recsived 

OCT, ■ 1 1902 

CDPSmWHT ENTRY 

Oijiks -5'XXa No. 

X 3 5 ^ 

CO^ 3. 



•* • ••««•• 



' • ' fr • • 



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:• • •:• ; 



TMP92-008S59 



A Pair of Idiots. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



Colonel Archibald Bradley, A hot-tempered Virginian 

gentleman. 
Peter Jennings, From Arkansas. 
Dr. George Gunther, Peter's friend. 
Miss Lucretia Bradley, The Colonel's maiden sister. 
Miss Jean Bradley, The Colonel's daughter. 
Miss Winifred Lester, The Colonel's niece and ward. 

Time, the present ; place, the Bradley homestead in Virginia ; 
season, summer; costumes, modern. 

Time of playing, two hours. 



COSTUMES. 

Colonel Bradley. Act I, White duck suit, flowing tie, low 
shoes, spectacles. ACT II, Evening dress. 

Peter Jennings. Act I, Light gray suit, derby hat, gray 
gloves, cane. Act II, Evening dress. 

Dr. George Gunther. Act I, White flannel suit, low tan 
shoes, straw hat. ACT II, Evening dress. 

Miss Lucretia Bradley. Act I, Thin gray dress, w^hite 
kerchief, soft white side-curls, cap, mitts, little black bag at her side. 
Act II, Lavender gown, elbow sleeves, mitts, lace ruffles at throat, 
bag at her side, small black shawl. 

Winifred Lester. Act I, Fluffy organdie gown, elbow 
sleeves, low shoes. Act II, Street costume, small hand-satchel, 
gloves, umbrella. Second costume, full evening dress, bright red 
wig, opera-cape. 

Jean Bradley. Act I, Pretty house dress. Act II, Full 
evening dress. 



4 A Pair of Idiots* 

PROPERTIES. 

Act I. Stage properties as per scene-plot at heading of Act I. 
Newspaper, watch, cigar, matches, glass of water for Colonel. 
Hand mirror, charcoal, shawl, kerchief for Winifred. Fan, 
woollen shawl, pillow for Jean. Derby hat, match-safe for Peter. 
Flowers, clock, and ornaments on mantel. Umbrella in corner. 

Act II. Watch, cigars, and glass for Colonel. Hand-bag, 
bundles, wig, opera-cape, flowers for W^inifred. Handker- 
chief, letters, novel for Jean. Small black shawl, bag containing 
embroidery silks, scissors, thimble, and needles for Miss Lucretia. 

Box of candy, pen, ink, paper, and envelope for Dr. Gunther. 
Hat and cane for Peter. Stationery on desk, scrap-basket by 
mantel, tongs by open grate. Clock and flowers on mantel. Small 
ornaments on table L. C. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. C. 
means centre; R., right; L., left; R. C, right of centre; L. C, 
left of centre; C. D., centre door; R. D., right door; L. D., left 
door ; D. R. C, door right of centre ; D. L. C, door left of centre ; 
D. F., door in the flat ; C, D. F., centre door in the flat; R. D. F., 
right door in the flat ; L. D. F., left door in the flat; i G., 2 G., 
3 G., etc., first, second, or third grooves, etc. ; i E., 2 E., 3 E., etc., 
first, second, or third entrances, etc. ; R. U. E., right upper en- 
trance ; L. U. E., left upper entrance ; Up, up stage or toward the 
rear ; Down, dowm stage or toward the audience. 

R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 



A Pair of Idiots. 



ACT I. 

Scene. — Library in Colonel Bradley's Virginian house. 
Rugs laid here and there. Doors hung with light draperies 
R. 2 E. and L. 2 E.. Ope7i fireplace D. R. Mantel over 
fireplace. Tongs and poker at 07ie side of it. Small tea- 
table D. R. covered with tea-cups, saucers, tea-service, flowers, 
and wafers. Secretary U. 'K, Q. co?ttaining stationery and 
top covered with ornajnents and lighted candles. Large 
piano-la7Jtp beside secretary. Comfortable wickerfur7iiture 
scattered about ^ Mirror over 7na7iteL Tete-a-tete chair ^, 
C. hidden by bright cushions, Ti77te, late after 710071, 

LIGHTS UP. 

As the curtain rises, MiSS Lucretia is discovered pouring tea at 
small table down R. Lilian seated i7i low chair at her 
right, nibbling loaf-sugar. The Colonel dow7i L. read- 
ing newspaper. All have dai7ity napki7is i7i their laps. 

Colonel {a7igrily foldi7ig paper'). Why in thunder did you 
say anything about it ? Now, I hope you are satisfied ! You've 
gotten her all prejudiced and there'll be the dickens to pay ! 

Miss Lucretia {7iervously 77iovi7ig tea-cups about), I'm sure 
I don't see see why ! The poor child had to be told ; and I was 
the proper person to tell her. A man has no tact. 

Colonel {bri7igi7ig dow7i the folded paper up07i the ar 771 of his 
chair with a sharp rap). Tact } Bosh ! It's a question of com- 
mon-sense. She marries the man and she steps into twenty thou- 
sand a year ; she refuses him, and she's a pauper. There's the 
whole matter in a nutshell. Another cup of tea, Lucretia. 

Miss L. {rattli7ig spoo7ts). Oh, brother, I really mustn't ! You 
know you said— that is—I promised 

Colonel (ii7ipatiently tur7iing toward C). What's the 
trouble now } What are you stammering about } 

Miss L. You made me promise, only yesterday, not to give you 
more than one cup. Your poor nerves, you know ? 

Jean (shaking her head at Colonel). Aunt Lu is right, dad. 
You mustn't take any more X.^^— {sighs). It is so bad for you. 



6 A Pair of Idiots* 

Colonel {rising angrily). Stuff and nonsense ! I won't be 
dictated to by a parcel of women ! 

Miss L. But 

Colonel {raising his hand). Not a word ! Will you give it 
to me, or shall I help myself ? {Starts toward tea-table?) ^ 

Jean {shaking her teaspoon at hiin). Oh, dad ! 

Colonel, Hold your tongue. Miss. 

Miss L. {sighing). Of course, if you insist upon it, I'll help 

you, but {She shakes her head^ pours out a cup of tea^ gives 

it to Jean, who passes it to the COLONEL. The Colonel resumes 
his seat and drinks tea with relish,) 

Colonel {wipins: his lips). Ah! that is good. {Buries his 
head in hands.) Now, I suppose I shall have the devil of a head- 
ache {looks up). Yes, I feel it coming. 

Miss L. {leaning back), I told you so ! Why in the world you 
drink such strong tea, I can't imagine ! 

Colonel {crossly). What the mischief did you give it to me 
for } You know it always affects my nerves. Didn't you promise 
not to let me have it, no matter how hard I begged } That's al- 
ways the way with you women. You lack firmness. 

Jean {laughing). Now, dad, that isn't fair! 

Colonel. I shan't be tit for a thing to-day. But {rising) I 
must have that talk with Winifred. What did she say when you 
told her } 

Miss L. She said she would rather beg in the streets than be 
sold. 

Jean {waving her napki^t). Hurrah for Win ! 

Colonel. The girl's a fool ! Who's talking about selling her } 
If you had let me manage this affair, all would have gone well ; 
but you had to put in your oar, and this is the result. She is such 
a spoiled piece of impudence 

Miss L. {rising indig7tantly). Spoiled 7 What an unjust ac- 
cusation. 

Jean {rising and stamping her foot). She is as sweet-tem- 
pered as an angel, and — and 

Colonel {slowly). And as obstinate as a mule. ViW\. {zualking 
tip stage) there is no use in postponing the inevitable. I must see 
her immediately. {He tttrns C. and bows his head in his ha?ids.) 
Oh, my head ! my head! 

Miss L. {walking C. and laying her hand on Colonel's arm). 
Now, brother, don't be cross. The darling child has never heard 
a harsh word in her life. 

Colonel {shaking off his sister's hand). Cross } Who's 
cross .^ 

{Exeunt MiSS L. and Jea'S L. 2 E.) 
Does she think I'm a bear ? I shall simply be firm. {He stalks 
stiffly tip and down, with hands clasped behind his back?) I shall 
talk to her plainly, and insist upon her listening to reason. {A 



A Pair of Idiots* 7 

htock IS heard R. 2 E. Colonel seats himself L. C. and opens 
paper hastily,) Come in, my dear, come in. 

{Enter Winifred R. 2 E,) 

Colonel {looks at her over the tops of his glasses). Did your 
aunt tell you that I wished to see you ? 

Win. {seating herself on the arm of his chair). Now, uncle 
dear, let us first agree to avoid all disagreeable subjects. 

Colonel. With pleasure. 

Win. {patting his shoulder). That's good ! Do you realize, 
Uncle Colonel, that I am just one year older than I was a year 
ago to-day } 

Colonel. Certainly, my dear, certainly. 

Win. {coaxingly). Well, you see, I need a whole heap more 
things, so I want you to increase my allowance. 

Colonel {taking her hand). Not an unreasonable request, I 
am sure, but {looking up into her face) do you want to know how 
to triple your allowance } 

Win. Indeed I do. 

Colonel. Well, when your grandfather died, he left a large 
sum of money in trust for you, until you should come of age. If 
by that time, you were comfortably married 

Win. {starting up). Now, uncle, you promised to avoid disa- 
greeable subjects. 

Colonel {conciliatingly)^ But, my dear, marriage is not a 
disagreeable subject. 

Win. It is the most disagreeable topic under the sun. All the 
married women I know are stupid old frumps, while the very 
nicest men of my acquaintance are all bachelors. 

Colonel {running his fingers through his hair). But, don't 
you ever intend to marry } 

Win. {with her head on 07ie side). Oh, yes, I suppose so! 
When I get old and cross and cranky and my hair turns gray, then 
I shall pick out a handsome old gentleman, like you, uncle dear, 
and we shall jog down hill together. 

Colonel {rising impatiently and walking to fireplace). You 
are too sensible a girl, Winifred, to talk such nonsense. 

Win. {seaJing herself in his chair). You are right. It is 
foolish to marry, even when one is as old as the hills, but it is bet- 
ter than marrying too young. I am going to wait, oh, ever so 
many years ! Until I am thirty at least. 

Colonel {facing her ^frowning). Winifred! 

Win. {demurely). Yes, sir. 

Colonel. My time is short. 

Win, {rising arid bowiftg). Good morning, sir. 

Colonel {testily). See here, you know well enough what I 
want to say. 

Win. {smiling). Yes, sir. 

Colonel. Then why don't you let me say it 1 



8 A Pair of Idiots* 

Win. You promised not to discuss disagreeable topics. 

Colonel. That young man is coming here to-day. {D7-aws 
a cigar fro7n his pocket and strikes a match.) 

Win. I shan't see him. 

Colonel. I say you shall. 

Win. {looking at him saucily). Who's going to make me ? 

Colonel. 1 am. 

Win. Now, uncle, don't get excited or you'll have a headache. 

Colonel. Don't be impertinent, Miss. Do you realize that if 
you refuse this man, he will get every cent of your grandfather's 
money 1 

Win. Yes, sir. 

Colonel. And in spite of this knowledge you intend to refuse 
him. 

Win. I do. 

Colonel. You're a fool ! 

Win. {bowing) Thank you, sir. 

Colonel. 1 won't allow you to act in this ridiculous fashion. 
I am your guardian and I insist upon obedience. When this young 
man comes, you shall see him. 

Win. I certainly will not.. 

Colonel. I say you shall — (Going threateni7igly toward her ^ 

Win. {retreating behind arm-chair). And I say I won't. 

Colonel {clenching his fist). You're an obstinate, self-willed 
idiot. 

Win. {going behind tea-table). You are very complimentary 
this afternoon. 

Colonel {furiously following her. She moves as he advances 
until they are both almost run7iing around the chairs and tables). 
Do, do, do, you want to make me angry } 

Win. No, no, sir. 

Colonel. Well, you will if you persist in this nonsense. I — 
I — I command you to obey me. 

Win. And I — I — I refuse. 

Colonel {gesticulating violently). I shall lock you up in 
your room, miss, and keep you there until you come to your senses, 

if you have any, which I very much doubt. You're a — a — a 

{Enter Miss Lucretia and Jean L. 2 E.) 

POSITIONS. 

Miss L. Jean 

Colonel Winifred 

MissL. (Iayi7tg her ha7td on //^^ Colonel's ar7)i). Archie, 
Archie, what in the world is all this commotion ? 

Colonel {ru7i7ii7ig his hands through his hair, sta7nping 



A Pair of Idiots. 9 

arou7id a7id shakmg his fist at WINIFRED wJio seats herself non- 
chala7itly on the arm of chair and bites her lips). Why that 
young minx has lost her temper and has been most insulting. I 
won't put up with it, I declare I won't ; and when I say I won't, I 
won't ; d'ye hear. Miss, I won't ! {Approaches Winifred.) 

Win. {springing up). But, uncle ! 

Colonel {striking the table with his cleiiched fist). Don't 
" uncle " me. 

Jean {taki?tg a step forward). W^hy, dad ! 

Colonel (fiercely). Don't ** dad'' me ! 

Miss L. {raising her hand, pahn out). Archie, Archie ! 

Colonel {fiourishi^ig iiewspaper). My name is ARCHIBALD 
— bald — bald — bald. Women are idiots ! They never did have a 
grain of sense and they get worse every year. {Paces angrily up 
ajid down.) 

Miss L. {tur7iing to Win.). My dear, what have you been say- 
ing to your uncle to excite him so } 

Win. {bitterly). What has he been saying to me, you should 
ask. He was most overbearing and I won't stand it. I shall 
marry whom, when, and where I please, and I refuse to discuss the 
subject any longer {walks across stage to R. 2 E. pausing when 
she reaches door -sill). 

Colonel {following her, striking the fist of his right hand 
sharply i7i the pahn of his leff, and raising his voice to a squeak). 
But the moitey ! the inoiiey ! the nio7iey ! Do you intend to deliber- 
ately throw away a fortune } 

Win. {facing him). Yes, if by getting it, I shall be tied for 
life to some jibbering idiot who hasn't a thought above his dinner. 

Miss L. {quietly). Do you really intend, my child, to let this 
fortune slip through your fingers } 

Win. I don't want to. Aunt Lu, but how can I help it "> I 
can't have the money without this man and I woiit take him with 
the money {to Colonel). Are you sure that it can't be divided 
so that we may both be left free } 

Colonel {seating himself and mopping his forehead). 
Certainly not. The will reads that, if, when you reach the age of 
twenty-one, you refuse to marry your cousin, the only male repre- 
sentative of the name of Jennings, he inherits all the money. 

Jean {shudder i7ig). Ugh ! No wonder the name has nearly 
died out. Imagine, Win, Mrs. Peter Jennings ! 

Colonel. It's a very decent, highly respectable name. 
Should he refuse to marry you {to Win), you get the entire fortune. 

Win, Perhaps he'll refuse. 

Colonel. That's not likely unless he's a fool. 

Jean [goi7ig to fireplace, taki72g a rose fr 0771 vase a7id putting 
it into her belt). I call it a most unreasonable will. This Peter 
Jennings may be a double-dyed villain and yet if Win refuses 
him, he is entitled to everything. 



lo A Pair of Idiots^ 

Win. (who has been absorbed in thoughf). Tve got it. My 
mind is made up. I shall see this young man — this Peter Jen- 
nings, and if he proposes I shall not reject him. 

Miss, L. {putting her arm about Win's shoulders). My dear 
child, do you mean this ? 

Win. I do. 

Jean. Oh, you're joking ! 

Win. {laughing^, I am as serious as a judge. 

Colonel. You solemnly promise ? 

Win, I solemnly promise. When is he coming ? 

Colonel. To-day. He may be here any minute {looks at 
watch). 

Win. (rising). Then I must prepare for so momentous an 
occasion. Come, Jean (passing her ar7n around Jean's %uaist 
and walking with her to L. 2 E.), I shall need your assistance. 
Exeunt Jean and Winifred L. 2 E. 
Ready Peter and Dr. Gunther, to enter R. 2 E. 

Miss L. (triumphantly). There, Archie, you see she is a very 
easy child to manage, after all, if you only use a little tact. 

Colonel (mopping his brow). Whew ! I'd rather plow a 
field than argue with your easy child. She's planning some mis- 
chief, I vow. It's not like Win to become so amiable all of a 
sudden. You'd better go and see what she's up to, or there'll be 
the deuce to pay. 

Exit Miss L. 2 E. 
As for me, I shall take a seltzer. This interview has completely 
upset me. Women are the queerest kittle-cattle ! The very 
queerest ! (Shakes his head slowly?^ 

Enter Peter and Dr. Gunther R. 2 E. Peter advances to 
Colonel, right hand extended, 

POSITIONS. 

Dr. Gunther 
Peter Colonel 

Peter (shaki7tg hands with Colonel), Colonel Bradley, 
I believe. 

Colonel. Good afternoon, Mr. Jennings, glad to see you. 
You've changed a bit since we last met, (Looks at Peter criti- 
cally.) 

Peter (smilifte;). Well, yes, as that w^s twenty years ago. 

Colonel. Bless me, you don't mean it ! It seems like yester- 
day. 

Peter. Colonel Bradley, allow me to present Dr. Gunther, the 
best friend I have in the world. 

Colonel {crossing to R. a7id shaking hands with DOCTOR). 
Glad to meet you, sir. Is this your hrst visit East.'^ 



A Pair of Idiots* ii 

Doctor. By no means, I usually spend my summer at Block 
Island. 

Colonel. Charming spot, charming ! My daughter has 
friends there. {To Peter.) It's evident you are a good business 
man, not one minute late {looking at watch), not a minute. 
Feel a bit nervous, I'll wager. Don't blame you, I'm sure. 

Peter {hesitatingly), No-o-o-oo-o, not exactly nervous 
{twirls hat around, sits dowji, stands up, takes a few steps up 
and dowii). 

Colonel [slapping him on t?ie back). That's the way to 
talk. Once let a woman know that you are afraid and it's all up 
with you. 

Doctor. Isn't Miss Lester rather nervous herself.^ 

Colonel {convulsed with laughter). Win, nervous } Win } 
Why, man, that girl's afraid of nothing ! She's a perfect little 
Tartar ! SheMl lead you about like a lamb and you won't dare to 
say your soul's your own. Win, nervous } That's rich ! I must 
tell Lucretia. 

Peter {exchanging glances with Doctor). Honestly, Colonel, 
can't this absurd will be set aside and the money divided in some 
way } 

Colonel. I wish with all my heart it could. Sit down, 
gentlemen. {All seat themselves^ It would have saved me a 
mighty disagreeable scene. I have only just succeeded in per- 
suading Winifred to accept you. It took all my patience, I can 
assure you. But she promised. She gave me her word, and when 
Win says a thing she sticks to it through thick and thin, 

Peter {crossing and uncrossing his legs). She — she — she 
must be a very strong-minded young lady. 

Colonel {slapping his k7iee). That she is, sir, that she is ! 
You hit it right that time. She is as pig-headed as a mule, and 
once she has made up her mind there is no budging her. Now I 
mast leave you {rising) as I have an appointment. Make your- 
selves at ho:iie and keep a stiff upper lip. I wish you luck, I do 
indeed. 

Exit Colonel L. 2 E. Both me^i. tur^i a7id watch him, then 
turn and look at each other ^ 

Doctor. A very communicative old gentleman. Miss Wini- 
fred has evidently led him a dance. 

Peter {rising and paci^ig the floor). Hang it all, Gunther ! 
I've a great mind to take the next train to Arizona. 

Doctor {placing his ha7ids on Peter's shoulder). See here, 
Peter, you shall do nothing of the sort. You need that money 
too badly to be bluffed out of it in this fashion. 

Peter {shaking off Doctor's ha7id). But I can't have a 
Xantippe of a wife tagging at my heels ! {Starti7ig toward door 
R.) Come, Gunther, let's get away while there is time, and cut 
the whole business. 



i^ A Pair of Idiots. 

Doctor {seating himself) y And be jollied into giving away 
twenty thousand a year ? Well, you are game, I must confess. 

Peter {turniitg angrily). What, in thunder, are you hinting 
at? 

Doctor [smiling) Go easy, old man. I have an idea that 
your communicative old party had method in his madness. 
Don't you see that if you fail to fulfil your share of the contract, 
Xantippe will come off with flying colors 1 

Peter {walki7ig slowly to centre). Well, I know that. 

Doctor {shaking his finger at Peter). Hasn't it occurred 
to you that it might be to our friend, the Colonel's, interest to 
prejudice you against his niece, for the purpose of frightening 
you into backing out.^ 

Peter. Gunther, you are the shrewdest fellow I know ! I do 
believe you are right. I only wish I had met the girl before. 
{Sighs) 

Doctor. If I remember correctly, I tried to persuade you to 
run on and see her last year. 

Peter. And I was a blind fool not to have taken your advice. 
Now there is the devil to pay ! I'm in no humor to propose to a 
strange girl. Thank fortune, I won't have to make love ! 

Doctor. Why not } 

Peter. Why, she'd laugh at me. 

Doctor. If you really loved her you might give her occasion 
to laugh. 

Peter {leaning back). I must confess I can't follow you. 

Doctor. A man in love is half blind, half idiot, and the rest 
plain fool. 

Peter. Um ! You evidently have never been in love. 

Doctor. Thanks, but you've the wrong impression. I was 
all three — blind — idiot — fool — and the other fellow got the girl. 
That was years ago. My heart now is as hard as a rock and as 
tough as a bit of shoe leather. 

Peter. Oh, yes, I remember ! It w^as that rather pretty girl 
w^e met at Block Island three summers ago. 

Doctor. ** Rather pretty," indeed ! I like your nerve. She 
Vv^as a raving beauty. 

Peter. What was her name ? Oh, yes. Miss Bradley. I 
wonder if she is any relation to the COLONEL. 

Doctor. She is his daughter. {Sighs.) However, it is all over 
now! She's married and I've lived it down. Now we must plan 
your campaign. You must lay siege to your fair cousin's heart. 

Peter. That's all very well, but sentiment is not in my line. 
I don't know how to make love and I'm too old to learn. {Walks 
to ma7itel, turns a7id faces DOCTOR.) It won't do, Gunther, I'm 
awfully sorry, but it won't do. 

Doctor. Then there is only one course open to you. 

Peter. What's that } 



A Pair of Idiots^ 13 

Doctor. Make her refuse you. 

Peter {sjnilmg a fid snapping ltd of match-box). Her uncle 
says she's a pretty determined piece of womanhood once her mind 
is made up. 

Doctor. You must unmake it. Now Hsten to me, for I 
imagine our time is Hrnited. 

Peter. Skip all explanations and just tell me what I must do. 

Doctor. Well, then, attention ! You {shaking his finger at 
Peter) are an hypochondriac, subject to fits of temporary insanity. 
I'm your private physician. See } (Peter nods afifirmativelyi) 
You have your lucid intervals, this is one of them. You are here 
under my care and must avoid all excitement. Can you carry out 
this idea } 

Peter {excitedly). Can I } Just try me {drops into chair 
desp07idently). Oh, but there's the Colonel ! He knew me as a 
boy, and has no doubt told my cousin about me. 

Doctor. That's so ! Wait a minute ! {Buries his face in his 
hands for a mifitite, then looks iip.) Ah, I have it ! You were 
injured in an explosion in a miine. Remember — an explosion. 
(Points finger at PETER.) 

Peter {slappifig his knee). That's great ! I feel like having 
an attack now. Shall I rant and rave {gesticidating luildly) or 
simply become unconscious } ( Throiuiiig himself back as if faint- 
z'ng.) 

Doctor. Don't do anything at first. Just mention the acci- 
dent casually and don't have a regular attack unless a good oppor- 
tunity presents itself. You must use your own judgment as to 
details. {Noise is heard) Now, I hear some one coming and had 
better skip. {Rises and walks to L. 2 E.) 

Peter {in dismay follawifig him). Surely, you're not going to 
leave me ! I know I shall make a muss of it alone. {Exit Doctor.) 
Oh, I say, I call that beastly mean ! 

{Efiter D(3CTORyc;r a inifiute L. 2 E.) 

Doctor. I won't go far, but you must see her alone. Keep 
your wits about you and if you get in a hole " just whistle and I'll 
come to you, my lad." 

{Exit Doctor L. 2 E.) 
{Ready WlxiFRED ^;/^jEAN, to efiter R. 2 E.) 

Peter. Great Scott ! I can't stay here all by myself. I'm 
weak in my knees already and even my teeth are chattering. {Looks 
about wildly.) Oh, for a pair of wings, or a good hiding place. 
The deuce ! Gunther's got to come and back me up. 
{Exit Peter L. 2 E.) 

{Enter Winifred and]Y.A.^, R. 2 E. Winifred walks to fire- 
place and looks in mirror over mantel^ keeping her back turned 
to Jean and the audience. Jean seats herself R. C.) 

Win. At last I have succeeded in escaping from Aunt Lu ! 
In her desire to help me she has nearly spoiled my plans. 



14 A Pair of Idiots* 

Jean. What are you going to do, Win? I knew something 
was up when you changed your mind so suddenly, for, of course, 
you won't accept Mr. Jennings. 

Win. I shall certainly keep my promise. If he proposes, I 
shall accept him. 

Jean. I don't believe it. Oh, Win, say you are only joking ! 
You must not marry that mean, rough, horrid man. 

Win. Calm yourself, my dear, I shall never marry him. 

Jean. But you promised dad you would, and he will make you 
keep your word. 

Win. I said, " If he proposed, I should accept him," but, you 
see, I don't intend to let him propose. 

Jean. How are you going to help it ? 

Win. This way. {She faces ]y.k^^ her face partly blackened 
and extends a piece of charcoal?) 

Jean (in amazement), Winifred Montgomery Lester! 
What do you— ha! ha ! ha ! Do look at yourself in the glass! 
You are the living image of the Witch of Endor. 

Win. [laughing and giving her face a few rnore touches with 
the charcoal). Can't help it, my dear. ** Desperate diseases require 
desperate remedies." 

Jean. It's heroic treatment, to say the least. May I humbly 
inquire what it is for ? 

Win. Where are your wits ? Can't you see, I am going to 
make him think I'm a colored girl .^ (Looks into imVror.) I 
didn't know I could make up so well. I almost deceive myself. 

Jean {looking at Win critically, head on one side). Well, 
you wouldn't deceive me a bit ! Why, a three-year-old child could 
see through all that charcoal stuff. 

Win. {in dis7nay). Oh, Jean, you don't mean it ? You are 
only teasing, I know you are. See, I stole old Aunt Becky's 
kerchief and Aunt Lu's shawl. {Holds thein out. ) Just wait a 
minute! {Slips on shawl and puts kerchief on her head.) 
There, how's that ? {Faces Jean triumphantly.) 

Jean. Surely Mr. Jennings must be aware of the fact that he 
has no negro connections. 

Win. {dropping into a chair a7td throwing back shawl). 
Really, Jean, you are most discouraging ! I had a lovely plan and 
I know I could have carried it out. I do believe you would be 
glad to see me married to Peter Jennings. Ugh, how I hate 
that name ! 

Jean (putting her arjn around Win. and kissi?ig her). I'm 
awfully sorry. Win dear, but — but I can't let you make a goose of 
yourself. Why, even your voice would betray you ! 

Win. (rising). But it wouldn't! I can speak the negro dia- 
lect finely, I know some fine " coon " songs and I can do a cake- 
walk too. ( Takes a few steps dowfi C.) 

Jean {sitting on low stool). Win, you must give up this 
ridiculous idea. It's preposterous. 



A Pair of Idiots* 15 

Win. (rubbing off charcoal). Help me think of another plan, 
then, for I've got to keep him from proposing. I won't be Mrs. 
Peter Jennings for a million fortunes. 

{Silence, while both girls sit lost i7i thought,) 

Jean (springing up). I've thought of just the thing ! 

Win. Tell me quickly. {Runni?tg to Jean and shaking her.) 
Oh, hurry, hurry, you are so slow ! 

Jean {sitting on sofa). Well, you must just act crazy. Not 
like a raving maniac, you know, but a trifle queer. It will work, 
I'm sure it will. 

Win. Oh, Jean, I couldn't, I don't know how ! What must I 
do? 

Jean. Why, nothing hard ! Just act naturally, you know, 
only 

Win. {laughing). Well, of all insults ! I won't talk to you 
another minute. {Rises.) 

Jean {pulling her down to her chair). You didn't let me 
finish. I only meant don't rant and rave : just sit still and look 
rather vacant — like this. {Stares wildly about. ) 

Win. {clapping her hands). Gracious, Jean, what a splendid 
idiot you make ! 

Jean (/;/ preteiided indignation). Well, speaking of com- 
pliments ! But, tell me, Win, do you think you can manage this } 

Win. I'll try my hardest. How's this } {Poses?) 

Jean {slowly). Not very good, but I suppose it will have to 
do. Look as if you didn't have a grain of sense and when he 
speaks to you make some silly reply. 

Win. All right, if he mentions the weather, I'll ask him if he 
likes doughnuts or if he eats ice-cream with a fork. 

Jean. That's the idea! It doesn't matter W'hat you say as 
long as it is something entirely irrelevant. 

{Ready to enter Dr. Gunther L. 2 E.) 

Win. Are you sure that it wouldn't be more effective if I ap- 
peared raving crazy .^ Don't you think he would be properly 
impressed if I rushed at him shrieking. {Loud voice is heard. ) Good 
gracious ! What was that ? 

Jean {looking around). It sounds as if some one were on 
the piazza. 

Win. Well, as I am not ready to be seen, you must meet him 
first. {Walks to door "R.. 2 E.) You might let fall some hint 
about my sad mental condition. 

{Exit Winifred R. 2 E. Enter Doctor Gunther L. 2 E. 
looks about but does not see Jean who has her back toward him.) 

Doctor. I knew Peter was mistaken ! He declared he heard 
voices. {Catches sight of Jean and starts.) Hello, there is 
some one ! {Advances?^ Er — er — that is — ahem — Is this Miss 
Lester ? 

Jean {facing him without looking up). No, — er — no, thank 
you. I suppose you are Mr. Jennings ? 



1 6 A Pair of Idiots. 

Doctor (in surprise). Why, Jean, {She lofiks up and 
starts back) I mean, Miss Bradley, or {bows), I should say, Mrs, 
Taylor. What are you doing here ? 

Jean {laughing), I think I am the one to ask that question. 
Surely you didn't come to call upon me ! 

Doctor {emphatically). Certainly not ! Do you suppose I 
could force myself into your presence after all you said when we 
parted ? 

Jean {bitterly). AW you said, you mean. You were abominably 
rude and horribly insulting. 

Doctor {striding up and down). But not without cause. 
You goaded me to desperation, 

Jeam (seati7tg herself C,). What a fib ! It wasn't my fault 
that you had such a fiendish temper. 

Doctor {standing before her). You did all in your power to 
provoke it. 

Jean {fanning herself). Of course, the woman's to blame. 
Adam made that discovery ages ago. 

Doctor {walking to mantel, turning and facing Jea'N, feet 
well apart, hands behind him), I've spent a great many sleepless 
nights thinking over that quarrel, and I always arrive at the same 
conclusion. 

Jean {leaning forward). And that was .'^ 

Doctor. Simply this — I cared too much. {Extends his right 
hand) You never truly loved me, and at the first opportunity 
you threw me over. 

Jean {leanimr back), I won't stay here and listen to such 
falsehoods. You knew I cared, but you were so jealous and cruel 
that I— I 

Doctor. Why did you waltz with Will Taylor that night, 
when I begged you not to do so } 

Jean. Nell Freeman bet I wouldn't, and I wasn't going to let 
her think I was afraid of you, 

Doctor {sadly). So just to win an idle bet you broke my heart ! 

Jean. How could I know you would act the way you did } I 
didn't expect you to lose your temper and go off in a pet. 

Doctor {indignantly), I didn't. 

Jean {folding her fan and tapping her fingers with it). Yes, 
you did. You said all sorts of unbearable things, and then 
flounced out of the house declaring that you'd never return — and 
you never did. 

Doctor. Now that everything is over and you are married — 
happily, I can see — I don't mind confessing that I was a brute that 
night. I was so horribly in love that I hated to see you look at a 
man, and I acted like a cur. 

Jean. You didn't at all. You acted nobly, and I knew you 
were right, but I was too proud to give in. 1 broke down and cried 
like a baby after you left. 



A Pair of Idiots* 17 

Doctor. Poor child ! I should have had more patience. You 
were so young, and you did look so provokingly pretty in your 
pink gown. 

Jean {wiping her eyes arid smiling up at him). Blue, you 
mean. 

Doctor {bending over her chair). Yes, the one with the fur 
thing — um — bobs all over it. 

Jean. Yes, the feather-trimming, I did so want you to like 
that dress, and you wouldn't even look at me when I came into the 
ball-room. 

Doctor. I watched you every minute v/hen you were dan- 
cing, and was insanely jealous of every man who spoke to you. 

Jean. Poor boy ! What did you do when you rushed out of 
the house, swearing that you were going to drown yourself ? 

Doctor {smiling). Went home and to bed, worn out mentally 
and physically. I waited all the next week hoping to hear from 
you, and when nothing came I took the first train West. 

Jean {thoughtfully). I wrote and destroyed four separate let- 
ters — and then } 

Doctor {ivalking away from her). Then you married Will 
Taylor } 

Jean {looking after him^ Who told you so } 

Doctor. Raymond Porter, 

Jean {thoughtfully^ her hand over her eyes). Porter ? Porter } 
I don't remember him. 

Doctor. He was a friend of Taylor's. He went to the wed- 
ding and told me all about it. Said Will married a girl from the 
South, and described you. I was awfully cut up about it at first, 
and then I went in for hard work. 

{Ready to etiter Peter. L. 2 E.) 

Jean {looking at clock in dismay and sprijiging up). Do you 
mean to say it's so late } What will Winifred think of me } 

(^>// Jean, R. 2 E.) 
{Enter Vy^TY.^ hastily L. 2 E.) 

Peter. Well, have you seen her ? 

Doctor {excitedly). Yes, and, Peter, she is the dearest girl in 
the world. {He paces the floor excitedly while Peter stands C, 
turni?tg his head fro7n right to left, looking after DOCTOR in 
amazemejtt .) She hasn't changed one bit, and I was a fool. I 
thought I had lived it down, but the sight of her face has com- 
pletely upset me. 

Peter {seating himself Q.). W^ell, speaking of loons, I won't 
have to go far for a model. Have you lost your reason } 

Doctor. No, I have just found it. Peter, it was all a blunder. 
She did care. 

Peter. The deuce she did ! I'd give a cent to know of whom 
you are speaking. 

Doctor. Of Mrs. Taylor, of course. 



JS A Pair of Idiots* 

Peter. And who under ihe stars is Mrs. Taylor ? 

Doctor. She's the girl I told you about. 

Peter (in ajnazetnent). You didn't tell me about any girl. 

Doctor {in disgust). Yes, I did. Don't you remember 
{standing i7i front of Peter), only a short time ago, I told you 
about my love affair.^ (Peter nods) Well, I've met her again, 
here, in this house, she is Miss Lester's friend and cousin. 

Peter {springing up). You don't mean it ! What did she 
say about her } 

Doctor. About whom } 

Peter {impatiently). About Miss Lester, of course. 

Doctor {looking away). Why — er — er — nothing. 

Peter {throwing out his hands in disgust). Nothing ! Noth- 
ing ! Do you mean to say that you talked to her cousin for half 
an hour and never found out what sort of a girl Miss Lester is ? 
( Turns away in anger) Well, you're a nice friend, I must say ! 
{Faces him again.) What did you tell her about me } 

Doctor. Why — er — that is — I — er 

Peter {threateningly). Out with it ! I don't believe you men- 
tioned my name. 

Doctor {apologizing). Well, you see, Peter, we had so much 
to talk about that I didn't get time. {Noise is heard outside,) 
Oh, here she comes back. {Starts to door.) 

Peter {seizing Doctor by shoulders and marching hiin to 
door., R. 2 E.) Yes, but I'm going to see her this time and find 
out something about my mysterious cousin. You can take a 
promenade in the garden. 

{Exit Doctor, L. 2 E.) 
{Enter Winifred, R. 2 E.) 

Win. {seeing Vyj:y.^, hesitates). Oh, I beg your pardon. 

Peter {going toward her and extending ha7id). Not at all. I 
— in fact, I'm Peter Jennings, and — and 

Win. {shaking ha?tds with him). And you called here to see 
your cousin } 

Peter {smiling). Yes, but to tell the truth, I couldn't stand 
the strain, so I slipped into the garden and left the Doctor to face 
the music. You see, I had to have more time. 

Win. {seating herself.) Time ? What for } 

Peter {drawing up chair beside her). Well, I'll tell you all 
about it. {Draws back,) But, hang it all, I can't ! You're her 
friend. 

Win. Whose .> 

Peter. Miss Lester's. 

Win. {nodding sagely). The best friend she has in the world. 

Peter {rising). That ends it. You'd give me away. 

Win. Indeed, I won't. 

Peter {seating himself beside her agai?t). You promise, on 
your sacred word of honor, not to breathe .a word.Qf what.I tejl 
you. 



A Pair of Idiots* 19 

Win. {solemnly), I promise not to breathe it to a living soul. 

Peter. Then I shall make you my confidant. I suppose I 
shouldn't do it, but, you see, Gunther is only a man 

Win. Yes. 

Peter {toying with his match-safe). And I feel that in my 
position, I need the help and advice of a woman. 

Win. 1 shall gladly do all in my power. 

Peter. Thank you so much. I knew the minute I saw your 
face that you would help me. {Pauses.) 

Win. {after waiting a minute). Well ? 

Peter {clear i7ig his throat). Well, to tell you the truth, I 
find it rather hard to begin. 

Win. {smiling). Maybe I can help you. You came here to 
propose to your cousin, did you not } 

Peter. Well, you see it is this way. With all due respect for 
the dead, my deceased grandfather made a beastly hard will, and 
I am the innocent victim. Instead of leaving his money to be de- 
cently divided between his heirs 

Win. {i7iterrupting hiin). Your cousin and yourself } 

Peter. My cousin and myself. He stipulates that I must 
marry the girl. 

Win. {Iea7iing back). That is rather hard, I admit. 

Peter. Hard } It's outrageous ! {Rises a?id paces the floor.) 
Now just see what a hole I'm in. I need that money in the worst 
w^ay, but I can't have a Xantippe of a wife tagging at my heels. 

Win. {starting up in blank surprise), A what? 

Peter {halting C.). A Xantippe of a wife. Her uncle said 
she's a perfect terror. 

Win. {seati7ig herself calmly and biting her lips). He did, did 
he } 

Peter. Not in so many words, and Gunther is inclined to 
think the Colonel wanted to frighten me into backing out, but I 
could see she had led him a dance. 

Win. Why don't you refuse to marry her } 

Peter. I should if she were an ordinary, sweet-tempered girl, 
but to stand aside and let some little shrew quietly help herself to 
my share of the property is more than I can endure. 

Win. Perhaps she'll refuse you. 

Peter. No such luck ! She's not that kind of a girl. {Sitting 
beside Win.) She evidently hasn't a particle of pride or maidenly 
modesty. She's as pig-headed as a mule, once her mind is made 
up, and when she says a thing, she sticks to it through thick and 
thin. (Win. turns her head away/ arid shakes with ill-suppressed 
laughter.) Why, that girl is afraid of nothing and she {sadly) has 
made up her mind to accept 7ne. 

Win. {gayly). As far as I can see, you'll have to marry her. 

Peter {emphatically). I'll be hanged if I do ! 

Win. How can you get out of it ? 



20 A Pair of Idiots* 

Peter {seriously ^ leaning toward Win.). That's where I 
want your advice. You say you know her 1 

Win. Very well, indeed. 

Peter (anxiously). Is she all her uncle says.^ 

Win. {solemnly). To tell you the truth, she is a great deal 
more, 

Peter. I knew it. {Rises excitedly.) Even you, her friend, 
can say nothing in her favon What does she look like } She 
can't be very pretty. 

Win. {hesitatingly). Well, she isn't exactly beautiful. 

Peter, Hum ! I bet she has red hair. 

Win. Don't you like red hair .? How unfortunate ! 

Peter. I told you so. {Bitterly^ Oh, I know her style. 
Fluffy red hair, enormous pompadour, freckles, turn-up nose, and 
all the rest of it. Come, I challenge you, isn't my description cor- 
rect } 

Win, {shaking her finger at him). Now, Mr. Jennings, you 
wouldn't have me say anything against any friend ? 

Peter {walking across floor a7id seatiiig himself extreme V-.,), 
Ah, you don't deny it ! But, of course you are right to try to 
shield her. 

Win. You were going to tell me your plan for making her 
refuse you. 

Peter. So I was. Dr. Gunther suggested, and I'm inclined 
to carry out the idea, that the best plan is for me to pretend to be 
a hypochondriac^ — a mild form of lunatic, you know. 

Win. But doesn't Miss Lester know better than to believe 
this } 

Peter. Gunther suggests that I might have been recently in- 
jured in a mine explosion. Gunther is an M. D. you know, and 
he is going to act as my medical adviser. What do you think of 
this plan ? 

Win. It's perfectly splendid ! 

Peter. It is rather a clever idea. I'm just to act a little bit off 
at first and not have a regular attack until a good opportunity 
presents itself. 

Win. {bitterly). It's a fine scheme, nobly planned. Of course, 
she'll refuse to marry you and you will come off with flying colors. 
It is a beautiful plot, so courageous and deep ! 

Peter {twisting about). When you put it that way, it has 
rather an ugly sound. It makes me feel mean and underhand. 
If she were only a charming girl it would simplify matters im- 
mensely, but you wouldn't advise me to tie myself for life to a 
little red-headed Tartar, now would you } 

Win. I can't truthfully say I should. 

Peter. I'll tell you what, once the money is mine, I shall 
settle an allowance upon her. The question that puzzles me now 
is how a lunatic is supposed to act. 



A Pair of Idiots, 21 

Win. I once visited an insane asylum and saw some peculiar 
freaks. 

Peter {drawing his chair up closer to Win.). Surely, then 
you will give me a few suggestions ? 

Win. Let me think. {Clasps hands to head?) I remember 
one old man imagined himself a top and it was with difficulty that 
the guards could keep him from making a teetotum of himself. 

Peter {laughing). Oh, I say, I couldn't do that ! I'd get 
dizzy. 

Win. Then there was a man who declared that he w^as Julius 
Caesar and asked every one if they had crossed his Rubicon. 

Peter. That's rather a good idea ! ( Thoughtfully?) I couldn't 
enact Cassar, but I might pretend to be Napoleon, 

Win. {clapping her hands). Just the thing ! That will be 
sure to impress her. 

Peter. You forget that I am not trying to impress her. 

Win. True. 

Peter {rising). Now, what must I do } He was the chap 
who posed around with his arms folded and his chin down. How's 
this } {Folds arms, lowers chin, siniles and faces WiNlFRED.) 

Win. {looking at him, head on one side). Simply perfect ! But 
you should scowl horribly and pull your hat over your eyes, 

Peter {taking up hat). That will be quite a point. I shall 
seize my hat as if about to go. ( Walks briskly across stage to 
door R. 2 E. Ttirns,) Then I shall take this position, {Puts 
derby on sideways. Posing busi7iess.) 

Win. {7iodding slowly.) You should turn up your coat-collar 
to complete the picture. 

Peter {turning up collar). That's so ! You are such an in- 
spiration. Now am I all right } {Posing business?) 

Win. {thoughtfully). There's something lacking. Oh ! I 
know ; you should have one hand in your waistcoat. This way. 
{Poses.) 

Peter {looking at her without moving). How can I with my ^ 
arms folded } 

{Ready to enter DOCTOR, R. 2 E.) 

Win. That's so ! Now turn around slowly. {He turns on 
one foot, sticking the other stiffly out before him?) Yes ! You 
really are quite imposing. Just stand like that a minute and 111 
get a hand-glass, so you can see yourself. 

{Exit Winifred L. 2 E.) 

(Peter stands motionless C, facing audieitce. E^tter Doctor 
R. 2 E. He adva?ices oti tiptoe a?td looks at Peter i?i asto?tish- 
ment.) 

Doctor. Great Scott, Peter ! What do you call yourself } 

Peter {laughi?tgly taki?tg off his hat, bowing and restwiing 
position). Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, one hundred years after 
the battle of Waterloo, 



2 2 A Pair of Idiots* 

Doctor {seats himself facing Peter). You look like a tramp ! 
What the mischief are you doing anyway ? 

Peter. Following the directions of your old friend and sweet- 
heart. 

Doctor. What ! Have you been talking to her all this time ? 

Peter {taking off his hat and seating himself ^, Yes. Aw- 
fully jolly girl ! What was the reason you parted } 

Doctor {gloomily leaning back and gazing at the ceiling'). 
Oh, I was a jealous brute and went off in a fit of temper ! She 
married the other fellow — Taylor was his name. I can't imagine 
what she ever saw in him — a hang-dog looking sort of chap^ — bow- 
legged, too. 

Peter. By Jupiter ! She didn't act a bit like a married woman. 
I had quite a little flirtation with her, and she very kindly told me 
all about Miss Lester. 

Doctor. That was good of her ! What kind of a girl is your 
cousin ? 

Peter {gloomily). Just as I had imagined ! Red-headed, 
freckled-faced, snub-nosed, and cross-eyed. 

Doctor {starting up). She never told you that ! 

Peter {siniling). Then I'm another. 

Doctor {shaking his head). I'd never have believed it ! 

Peter. She did me a great kindness, for now I am prepared 
for the worst. The Napoleon scheme was her suggestion, too. 
What do you think of it } 

Doctor. Try it again. (Vkt^^ posing busi7iess?) No, I can't 
say I care for it. The likeness isn't particularly striking. In fact 
you look more like Washington crossing the Delaware. 

Peter. You forget that my object is not so much to resemble 
old Nap as it is to give my charining cousin the impression that 
I'm loony. 

Doctor. I should endeavor to find a more picturesque method, 
if I were you. 

Peter. You are complimentary, to say the least. I flatter 
myself that I look quite heroic in this character. 

{Posi7tg business— gesticulates in grotesque fashion.) 

Doctor. I fail to see it. I know what you need. It's a 
touch of color. {Looks abotit and takes up shawl that Win. left 07i 
chair back,) Here, take this shawl. Wait, I'll drape it artistically 
about your shoulders. {Drapes Peter in shawl. ) Now {looking 
at him), you need a sword. ( Walking abotct room and picki^ig 
up umbrella.) Here, this umbrella is just the thing. Now, strike 
an attitude like this and you'll be superb. (DOCTOR/;/ C. 07iestep 
forward^ right hand high in air holding ti77ibrella aloft. PETER 
R. C. claps his ha7tds softly) 

{E7iter Miss Lucretia R. 2 E.) 

Miss L. {looks at the7n a minute the7t rushes forward, wavifig 
her hands excitedly, and screaming). Murder, fire, thieves, help ! 
help!! help!!! 



A Pair of Idiots. i^ 

{Ready to enter COL. L. 2 E. 

Doctor {approaching Miss L.). For heaven's sake, madam ! 
What is the matter ? 

Miss L. (excitedly ringing her hands). Police! Police! 
Police ! 

Peter {advancing to Doctor's side). Great Scott, Gunther, 
stop her, do, or she'll have out the whole fire department ! 
{Enter Colonel L. 2 E.) 

Colonel {looking from Peter to Doctor). What in thun- 
er's the matter ? Anybody killed ? 

Miss L. {throwing herself into his arms and sobbing hysteri- 
cally). Oh, brother, brother, you are just in time to save me from 
these thieves, robbers, murderers, cut-throats. {Her voice rises 
to a scream.) 

Colonel {shaking her slightly^. For mercy's sake, Lu, don't 
you know a gentleman when you see one ? 

Miss L. {pointing her finger at Peter). I know a thief when 
I meet one, especially when he tries to steal my best India shawl. 

Vkt^k {dropping shawl). I — I — I 

Colonel {severely). If this is a practical joke, gentleman, it is 
in very bad taste. 

POSITIONS. 

Miss L. Colonel 

Doctor Peter 

Peter {taking a step forward). Colonel 

Doctor {interruptijtg). Let me speak, Peter. ( 7"^ Colonel.) 
Colonel, my friend and I were just rehearsing our parts in some 
private theatricals, while waiting for your niece, when Madam • 

Miss L. {from the depths of her handkerchief , which she has 
thrown over her head). Miss — if you please ! Miss Lucretia 
Starkweather Bradley. 

Doctor {bowing to Miss L.). Thank you {to Colonel). 
When Miss Bradley entered, unseen by us, and being evidently 
nervous 

Miss L. {drawing down ha7idkerchief and facing DOCTOR 
angrily). Haven't a nerve in my body. 

Doctor. She naturally became alarmed at seeing two strange 
men in her house and so called for assistance. 

Colonel {to gentlemen). Oh, I understand ! Are you satis- 
fied with this explanation, Lucretia ? 

Miss L. {to Colonel but poiiiting to umbrella in Doctor's 
hand). Hum, I'm not so easily taken in ! What is that man doing 
with my new silk umbrella, if he is not a thief? 

Doctor {droppi7ig umbrella). I — I — I • 

Miss L. {excitedly). Get out of my house. You may deceive 
my brother but you can't fool me. 



^4 A Pair of Idiots, 

Doctor. Madam, I humbly beg your pardon. If you will let 

me explain 

(Ready to enter Jean, R, 2 E.) 

Mtss L. Who are you anyway and what are you doing here.^ 

Colonel {placing his hand on her ar7n). Calm yourself, 
Lucretia, calm yourself. You don't realize what you are saying. 

Miss L. {shaking ^Colonel's hand andgatheri?ig up shawl 
a7td umbrella). I'd like to know what woman could be calm 
when she finds two men helping themselves to her most valued 
possessions. 

(E7tter Jean, R. 2 E.) 

Jean. Oh, dad, that you } I wondered what all this commotion 
meant and came down to see. 

Colonel {turning to]^K.'^). Where is Winifred .'^ What does 
she mean by keeping these gentlemen waiting } 

POSITIONS. 
Miss L, Colonel 

Jean 
Doctor 
Peter 

Jean. She asked me to beg them to excuse her until this 
evening as she has a bad headache. 

(Peter and Doctor bow to Jean and then talk aside.) 

Colonel {angrily running his hand through his hair). 
The deuce she has ! Why didn't she say so before ? Does she 
suppose the whole world is going to stand still because she has a 
headache } 

Miss L. I must say, brother, you are very hard on the darling 
child. 

Colonel {sta77tping his foot). Darling child, bosh ! She's 
an obstinate, insolent girl and should be punished. I don't believe 
she has a grain of headache. She only wants to defy me. PU 
show her who is master of her {to Jean). You tell her I say she 
is to come down immediately. 

Miss L. {i7idignantly)^ You are a cruel, hard-hearted mon- 
ster ! 

Colonel, And you're a silly, foolish woman ! 

Peter {stepping forward towards Qo^lo^ya.). Really, Colonel, 
we can just as well return this evening. 

Colonel {pacing excitedly to and fro). I am not going to 
have that young minx set my authority at naught. I said she was 
to come down {bringing dow7i his cle7tched fist), and down she's 
got to come, if I have to carry her. {To Peter.) I don't know 
where she gets her obstinacy from, I'll be shot if I do ! 



A Pair of Idiots* 25 

Doctor. Under the circumstances, Colonel, I think we had 
better take our departure. At what time shall we return this 
evening ? 

Colonel. We dine at eight and should be pleased to have 
you take dinner with us. 

Peter. Thank you, but we have promised the boys to dine at 
the club. 

Colonel. Very w^ell, then I shall look for you about nine. 

Doctor. Good afternoon, Colonel, I am glad to have met 
you. (Colonel shakes hands with Peter and Doctor, who 
bow to the ladies.) 

Peter. Good afternoon. Miss Lucretia, I am very sorry for 
what has happened. 

Miss L. (gri^nly), I trust you have learned a lesson by this 
experience. 

{Exeunt Doctor and Peter L. 2 E.) 

Colonel {to Jean). Now, Jean, you go up to Miss Winifred 
and tell her, with my compliments, that if she isn't down here in 
five minutes, I shall go up after her. 

{Exit Jean, R, 2 E.) 

Miss L. {laying her ar^m gently 07i Colonel's shoulder). 
Brother, I implore you do not be so harsh. 

Colonel [pacifig the floor, watch i7i hand). She has got to 
learn, once and for all, that 1 am not to be trifled with. Three 
minutes gone. I will break her spirit, if I have to break her door 
down to do it. Four minutes gone. This contrariness should 
have been whipped out of her years ago. Five minutes gone and 
she hasn't come. {Closes watch and puts it i7ito his pocket,) 
Your sweet angel evidently doesn't realize with whom she has to 
deal. {Starts toward door L. 2 E.) 

Miss L. {getii?tg in front of him). Where — where are you 
going } 

{Ready to e7iter Jean, L. 2 E.) 

Colonel. Em going to bring that girl down here. 

Miss L. {folding her arjns). You will have to go over my 
body then. {Portiere is pushed aside, L. 2 E. a7id Jean enters, 
dressed in long wrapper, her head covered with a woole7i shawl, 
a pillow to her face. She carries a large bottle of S77ielli7tg 
salts?) 

Colonel. Well, Miss, it's a good thing you decided to come, 
for I was just going after you. Whew! Cork up that ammonia 
bottle. D'ye want to take my breath away ? 

(Jean seats herself, D. R.) 

Miss L. {putting her ar}7i arou7id Jean). Poor child ! Why 
didn't you send for me to bathe your dear head ! 

Jean {rocki7ig herself to a7id fro). Oh — oh — oh — oh! 

Colonel. Here, I can't stand this infernal apothecary shop. 
Let me get out for a breath of air. {Sputters and puffs.) 



26 A Pair of Idiots* 

Miss L. Now that the dear obedient child has come, what do 
you want with her ? 

Colonel. I wanted her to come when I sent for her. To 
teach her a lesson in duty. But — {goes near to Jean who holds 
the bottle under his nose.) Whew ! That ammonia! As long as 
she — confound it ! Thunder ! Let me get out ! 

(Exit Coi.0^^1. gasping, R. 2 E.) 

Jean {throwing dow7t pillow and unwinding shawl). Dear 
me ! Dad is as good as a circus ! 

Miss L. {in shocked tones). That is a very disrespectful way 
to speak of your father, Jean. Where is Winifred } Why didn't 
she come when her uncle sent for her } It's a good thing he 
didn't find you out. 

{Ready to enter Colonel L. 2 E.) 

Jean (laughing). A blessed good thing for us both ! I 
thought I could rely upon my precious ammonia bottle. Wini- 
fred had to go to the village to get something she wanted to wear 
to-night. She made me promise I wouldn't let dad know she was 
out. (Noise is heard,) Oh, here he comes ! {Seizes pillow and 
shawl and buries her head in them?) 

{Enter Colonel L. 2 E. with a glass of water in his hand.) 

Colonel {advancing to Jean). Here, you don't deserve it, 
but I have mixed a seltzer for you. CJean takes glass from 
Qoi^O^YA. and touches it to her lips). No, you've got to take it 
all. I am tired of your tantrums, and shall teach you to yield to 
something beside your own foolish whims. Don't sip it that way. 
(Jean e7npties glass reluctantly). There ! That's the way to 
treat a wilful girl ! {Pats her on the shoulder.) Now you'll 
feel better and able to see your beau when he calls to-night. 

POSITIONS. 

Colonel 

Jean Miss Lucretia 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 



Eveni7tg of the saine day as Act I. 

Scene. — Same as before; no tea-table. Lamps and candles lighted. 
Table with books U. R. C. 

CURTAIN. 

2 ^K^ is discovered wajideri^tg restlessly about the room. She 
pauses before juantel a7td looks at clock. 

Jean. Nearly half past eight and Winifred not home yet. I do 
feel so worried. This clock must be fast. I'm going to put it 
back. {Sets back hands twenty minutes.) 

Enter Colonel R. 2 E. 

Colonel {rubbing his hands together and S7?iiling), Well, 
my dear, you here all alone } {Looks about room.) Where's 
W^inifred ? 

Jean {seating herself D. R.). She'll be down in a few 
minutes, dad. 

Colonel. I thought that seltzer would cure her. It's better 
than all the ammonia trash that was ever made. {Looks at clock.) 
Hello, we must have dined early to-night ! Only ten minutes 
after eight ! 

Jean {nervously toyiiig with fan). This is Betsey's night 
out and — and — she no doubt wanted to get through early. 

Colonel {angrily). Confound these cooks ! They are the 
plague of my life. Now, I shall have a violent attack of indi- 
gestion. The number of times I have told Lucretia not to have 
dinner before eight would fill a book. She allows herself to be 
ruled — absolutely ruled by that good-for-nothing imp of darkness 
in the kitchen. 

Jean {latighi?ig). Oh, dad, she's not as bad as that ! Maybe 
the clock is wrong. 

Colonel. You don't know what you are talking about. 
That clock is never wrong. I wind it myself and it never deviates 
by half a minute. {Takes out his watch a7id looks from it to the 
clock.) Yes, I thought so, my watch is fast. I must set it back. 
{Sets watch by clock.) There I thought so. {Puts watch in 
pocket and places his hand over his left side.) I have a sharp 
pain here. It always comes when I dine too early. I must see 
if Lucretia has any seltzer. I gave Winifred the last dose I have. 
A plague on that cook ! 

Exit Colonel L. 2 E. 
27 



28 A Pair of Idiots* 

Jean {^oing to 7?tanlel and shakmg her Ji?tger at clock). You 
wicked, heartless piece of falsehood ! Aren't you ashamed of 
yourself for giving dad an attack of indigestion, the cook a lecture 
and poor Aunt Lu a scolding. 

{Enter Winifred, her arjns full of bu7tdtes,) 

You runaway ! Where in the world have you been ? 

Win. {breathlessly dropping packages, and si7iki?ig z7ito chair 
R. C). Everywhere ! I'm nearly dead ! Did you save me any 
dinner ? 

Jean {helpi7tg Win. re77tove her hat). Dad ordered toast 
and tea sent to your room. He said that if you were too ill to 
come to the table, you were too ill to eat. 

Win. {looking up in surprise). 111! Who's ill .^ 

Jean {pointi7ig to Win). You are. You have a violent head- 
ache and couldn't come down to dinner. [Clasps her hand 
tragically?^ My dear, I have had the greatest time ! 

Win. [anxiously leaning forward). No one knows I have 
been out } 

Jean. Not a soul, but I've told a list of fibs as long as my 
arm. {Extends right ar77i.) 

Win. Jean, you're an angel ! If I were not so tired I'd kiss 
you. 

Jean {laughi7ig). Thanks, I'll take the will for the deed. 
Really, Win. I've had such an evening ! Dad insisted upon your 
coming downstairs, and I had to do myself up like a mummy and 
pretend to be you. 

Win. {k7ieelin^ beside Jean and putti7ig her ar77i about her 
waist). Poor child, did he lecture you } 

Jean. Worse than that ! He mixed a seltzer for me and I 
had to drink every drop of it. 

Win. {risi7ig). You didn't ? And you hate seltzers. 

Jean. It nearly killed me but it had to be done ! 

Win. You're a little brick ! 

Jean. What kept you so long ? 

Win. Well, in the first place, I had to buy a wig. {Takes up 
parcel.) 

Jean {in surprise), A what } 

Win. {Iaughi7ig), A wig. 

Jean. For whom? Dad .^ 

Win {shaking her head). No, for yours truly, but that isn't 
all. I bought a pair of green goggles and some beautiful freckles. 
{Proceeds to undo bundles, ) 

Jean {rising a7id looking over WiN.'s shoulder). Winifred 
Lester, are you in your right mind } 

Win. Never more so. Now, I'll explain. You see I had 
to go to a costumer for the wig and he sold me the freckles and 
lots of other things. There's the wig ! {Holds it at ar77is le7igth 
a7id regards it approvi7igly,) 



A Pair of Idiots* 29 

Jean {clasping her hands). Why, it's red ! 

Win. (7ioddi7ig). Of course it is. Isn't it a beautiful shade } 
Don't you wish you were going to w^ear it } 

Jean. I wouldn't touch it with a pair of tongs. It fairly sets 
my teeth on edge ! 

Wi^, (placing wig on top of la^np). Then it is all right. You 
see Mr. Peter has his little mind all made up that I am a female 
monster, and I am afraid that I should shock his poor little nerves 
if I appeared in my true colors. He might lose his heart. 

Jean {glancing at clock). He'll be here in a few minutes, for 
George said they'd return at nine. 

Win. {dropping parcels and looking at Jean in surprise), 
George ! Who's George t 

Jean {going to ma?ttel and 7noving orna7nents about 
nervously). I — I — meant to say Dr. Gunther. 

Win. [taking Jean's/Vz^^ betweeJi her hands a7id looking into 
her eyes). And who is this Dr. Gunther that the mention of his 
name embarrasses you so much. 

Jean {taki7ig dowTi Win's hands and turniftg away from 
her). I'm not embarrassed and he isn't anybody especially, 
only — only — I — I — was once engaged to him. 

Win. {sarcastically). Oh! Is that ail .^ May I ask w^hen and 
w^here this interesting event took place ? 

Jean {toying with her hanker chief). Three years ago, at 
Block Island. 

Win. {seating herself a7td leaning back in chair). Now, begin 
at the beginning and tell me all about it. *' Once upon a time " — 
go on. 

Jean. I can't now. There isn't time. Besides it's all over 
now. I feel coldly indifferent to him, and he hates me. 

Win. I don't believe it. 

Jean [pointing to clock). W^ill you be good enough to remem- 
ber that unreliable time-piece is fifteen minutes slow. 

W'IN. {collect ijtg bundles). Good gracious, I forgot! 

Jean (catching up wig). Here, let me help you. 
Ready to e7iter MisS LUCRETIA R. 2 E. 

Win. {taking wig fro7n Jean). No, you stay here and " keep 
the foe at bay." 

Exit Winifred L„ 2 E, 

Jean {seating herself L. resting her elbows on the ar7ns of the 
chair, and her cJmi on the back of her clasped ha7ids). Dear, 
dear, what a stupid place this w^orld is! George hasn't changed a 
bit, but it is very evident he doesn't care a snap for me. [Noise is 
heard L. 2 F..) Oh, bother! here's auntie! {Takes up book fro7n 
table and pretends to be e7igrossed i7i readi7tg.) 

{Enter Miss Lucretia L. 2 E.) 

Miss L. [seati7io; herself R. a7id taki7ig skei7i of silk froTU 
S7nall bag at her side). Well, my dear, hasn't Winifred come down 



30 A Pair of Idiots* 

yet? I suppose she is making an extra fine toilet to-night, 
{Begins to untangle skein,) 

Jean {without looking up). I suppose so. 

Miss L. {looking at ]k an over the top of her glasses). What 
are you reading that is so engrossing ? 

Jean {looking at back of book) » Oh, I don't know. 

Miss L. Don't know } Why, you seem perfectly absorbed ! 
Who is the author } 

Jean {letting book rest in her lap). Oh, it's something or 
other by some crank or other, I do declare novels are the silliest 
things nowadays. The idea of the right girl meeting the right 
man ! Such things never happen in real life. 

Miss L. {severely). I don't agree with you. lam old-fashioned 
enough to believe that marriages are made in heaven {looks up 
solemnly) , 

Jean. Well it's a pity that more are not made on earth ! Aunt 
Lu, I want you to give me your candid opinion about something. 

Miss L. {anxiously). Has anything gone wrong .^ 

Jean {rising and going to mantel). No, indeed, certainly not ! 
Why.^ 

Miss L. I was afraid you had heard some bad news. You 
seem so nervous. Are you sure you feel well } You look fever- 
ish. 

Jean [impatiently). Oh, I'm all right! It's this abominable 
light. Now, listen, Aunt Lu {kneeling beside MiSS Y.u and placing 
her hand over the silk). I want your whole attention. A friend of 
mine met a man she liked immensely — you understand } 

Miss Lu. Was she in love with him } 

Jean {looking down). I'm afraid she was, poor thing ! 

Miss L, Didn't he care for her } 

Jean. Oh, yes, he adored her. At least, he said so. 

Miss L. {sighing with satisfaction). Ah ! How interesting ! 

Jean {looking at audience dreamily). He was an awfully nice 
fellow, bright, jolly, unselfish, brave, handsome — in fact just the 
nicest, dearest, loveliest fellow in the world. 

Miss L. Well, what was the matter } Did her father object } 

Jean. They hadn't asked him — You see she was on a visit 
when she met this man, and she wanted to wait until she could tell 
her father herself, and he could meet her lover. 

Miss L. {patting ^y^a^'s head). Very natural, I'm sure. Then 
what happened } 

Jean. Now here is where I want your opinion. He was 
jealous, and he got perfectly furious one day — for nothing — and 
after calling her all manner of hard names he rushed out of the 
house and never came back. What would you think of a man 
who acted so } 

Miss L. I should think him contemptible. Tell your friend he 
isn't worth grieving for. 



A Pair of Idiots. 31 

Jean {taking the articles out of Miss Lu's bag and fingering 
thevi). But — but he was jealous, you know. 

Miss L. He should have trusted the woman he loved. A man 
has no right to be jealous for nothing — 1 believe you said for 
nothing. 

Jean. Well, it seemed so then, but, on thinking it all over, she 
concluded that she was the one to blame, for she provoked him 
beyond endurance. 

Miss L. {positively). Then she should have apologized. 

Jean {sadly). She would have done so but he went away with- 
out leaving any address. 

Miss L. I think he acted like a brute. I hope she w^'ll never 
have anything more to do with him. 

Jean {bursting irito tears, covering her face with her handker- 
chief and jumping up). I think you are awfully mean and unkind ! 
You don't sympathize with me a bit. He isn't a brute at all. He 
is as brave as a lion and as good as gold. How could he come 
back when he heard that she was married ? He nobly tried to 
live it down and I respect him with all my heart, {wiping her 
eyes). But, oh, if he hadn't lived it all the way down ! He said he 
was going to blot her out of his life and he did, and — and — I'm so 
unhappy and — and — you are so hard-hearted and cruel to me. 
( Weeps again.) 

Miss L. {rising a7id going to ]y.x^). My dear child, don't get 
so excited. I didn't understand. Of course, if she was married it 
was different. 

Jean {looking up and drying her eyes). But she wasn't. 
{Ready Bell L.) 

Miss L. {puzzled). I thought you just said she was. 

Jean. No, I said, he heard she was married. A friend told him 
so and — and he — he— believes it. 

(Bell rings). 

Oh , there's the bell ! {Looks in inirror and then at MiSS Lu.) 
Do my eyes look red } I shouldn't want him to think I had been 
crying. 

Miss L. {looking at Jean in surprise . Him ? Who } 
Ready to e?iter Dr. Gunther L. 2 E. 

Jean. George — I — I mean Dr. Gunther. 

{Enter Dr. Gunther L. 2 E.) 

How do you do? {Advances to 7neet DOCTOR. They shake 
hands.) Aunt Lu, you have met Dr. Gunther, I believe. 

Miss L. {extending her hand cordially). Indeed, sir, I am 
glad to see you again, for I want to apologize for my rudeness this 
afternoon. 

Doctor {bowing). I think we owe you an apology. It is not 
surprising that you were alarmed. 

Miss L. Won't you be seated,? 



32 A Pair of Idiots^ 

POSITIONS. 
Doctor 
Jean 

Miss Lucretia 

Miss L. {resuming fancy-work). Isn't your friend coming 
this evening? We are expecting him. 

Doctor. Yes, indeed, he will be here presently. The fact is 
I wanted to see Mrs. Taylor {looking at Jean), for a few minutes 
before he came. 

Miss L. I hope you found her at home. 

Doctor {raising his eye-brows). Yes, I have. 

Miss L. That's good ! It is so trying to find people out when 
you want to see them. {A pause.) We wxre having such an inter- 
esting discussion before you called. 

Doctor. What was it about, may I ask } {Looks at Miss L. 
Jean clears her throat and tries to attract MiSS L's attention 
by gesticulating with her fan, and then placing her finger on her 
lips.) 

Miss L. It was about a friend of Jean's. {Looks up at Jean.) 
What is it my dear ? Do you want anything } 

Jean {to Miss L.). Oh, no. {To Doctor.) Is it going to rain 
this evening. Dr. Gunther ? 

Doctor {crossing his knees). I think not. The stars were 
shining when I came in. 

Miss L. {to Jean). You have such a bad habit of interrupting, 
Jean. I want to get the doctor's opir\||)n of your friend. 

Jean (business of attracting MiSS Lu's attention). It was a 
very silly story — not w^orth repeating. 

Miss L. {looking at her work and holding it off). I found it 
very interesting. Don't you want to hear it Doctor, while we are 
waiting for Winifred } 

Doctor {looking at Jean). I should be delighted. 

Miss L. I thought so. {Proceeds to undo another skein of silk). 
You see it was this way, Jean had a friend — you tell it Jean. 
You can make it more realistic. 

Jean {rising). Are you sure you don't want your shawl, 
auntie } It seems a little chilly to-night. 

Miss L. {drawing up thin black shawl). I have it, dear. {To 
Doctor.) Jean is always so thoughtful. What was I saying.^ 
Oh, yes, her friend was in love 

Jean {hastily). She fancied herself so. 

Miss L. {looking at Jean in surprise). I thought you said she 
was deeply in love with a man who was apparently devoted to her. 
Do sit down, child, you make me nervous. (Jean rehictantly 
resumes her seat). He was handsome, brave, noble, good, and 
true — to all appearances — in fact, quite an ideal character. 



A Pair of Idiots* 33 

Jean {pulling to pieces a rose from her belt). Oh, auntie, you 
are exaggerating ! , ,. 

. Miss L. {severely). Why, those were your very words. You 
said that he was the dearest fellow in the world. You know you 

Doctor {looking from Jean to Miss Lu, then at Jean again). 
How delightful ! And was she equally charming ? 

Miss L. Was she Jean } You were so busy describing huii 
that vou did not tell me what she was like. 

Jean {sighing a7td looking at the toe of her slipper). She 
was just a girl, neither better nor worse than the average maiden. 

Doctor {s^niling). So they fell in love, and married, and lived 
happy ever after. 

Miss L. No, indeed, that's just the point ! He got jealous one 
day for nothing, and went away, and never returned, leaving her 
broken-hearted. Now, what would you think of a man who 
would act so ? Jean tries to excuse him ; but I think he was con- 
temptible. 

Doctor (to Miss Lu). I should say he acted like a brute. 
{To Jean). But, it all depends upon how much she cared for 
him. Maybe she was only having a little flirtation at his expense. 

Jean {indignantly). She w^asn't at all, and he knew better 
than to think so. 

Doctor {leaning forward toward Jean). All the same, she 
couldn't have cared much or she wouldn't have married the other 
fellow. 

Miss L. Did you know them, too } How very strange ! 
Which side did you take } 

Doctor {without taking his eyes from ]EXl<i*S face). Well, 
at first, my sympathies were all wnth the man. You see, he was 
pretty miserable all the rest of his life, while she got over it. 

Jean {biting her lip and tapping with her foot). He lived it 
down. He said so. 

Doctor {sadly). Not very far down, just deep into his heart 
where no one but himself would know of its existence. She mar- 
ried. 

Miss L. Why, Jean said she did no such thing ? 

Doctor {jumping up a^td gripping the back of his chair 
tightly with his left hand). Why — why — why — {to MiSS L.) 
Do you realize what you are saying ? 

Jean {twisting her ha^idker chief nervously). You are getting 
the story all wrong Aunt Lu. 

Miss L. {indignantly). I am not at all ! How forgetful you 
are to-night. You told me that he heard she was married, and 
accepted the fact without further investigation. Surely you can't 
deny it .^ 

Doctor {to Jean), Raymond Porter went to the wedding, 
He said so. 



34 A Pair of Idiots* 

Miss L. {triumphantly). Went to a wedding you mean, but 
he made some mistake about the bride's name, for Jean's friend 
never married, did she Jean ? 

Doctor {slowly to Jean). Do you mean to tell me that there 
is no such person as Mrs. Taylor } Why did you deceive me so } 

Jean {facing him), I never deceived you. Am I to blame 
because you choose to believe all you hear ? 

Doctor. You might, at least, have told me the truth this 
afternoon. 

Jean. You didn't give me the chance. Besides [carelessly), 
it is all past and over, so v^hat difference does it make now ? 

Doctor. It may not make any difference to you, but it cer- 
tainly does to me. You are as proud as ever, I can see. 

Jean {angrily). And you as obstinate. 

Miss L. {looking from one to the other). It seems to me you 
are both getting unnecessarily excited. 

Doctor. Miss Lucretia, I appeal to you. What would you 
think of a young lady who wrongfully allows herself to be addressed 
as a married woman } 

Miss L. (severely). I certainly should not think very highly of 
her. 

Jean {throwing her head up and trying to keep back tears). 
You are both against me and I think you are very unkind. Auntie 
you don't, and as for you {to Doctor) you won't, understand. I 
shall not remain here to have my actions misconstrued and criti- 
cised. Good evening, sir, you have Aunt Lu's sympathies and I 
hope you are satisfied. (Jean bows deeply to Doctor. He starts 
toward her but she raises her hand and waves him back. MiSS 
Lu stares at them both open mouthed^ 

{Exit]Y.K^ R. 2 E.) 

Miss L. Well, I never ! What do you suppose is the matter 
with Jean ? Why, I never knew her to get so worked up over 
nothing before ! What earthly difference does it make to her 
whether her friend married or not } 

ViOZTO^ {pacing the floor slowly). Hum! It might not have 
done so but your niece and her friend happen to be one and the 
same person. 

Miss L. {aghast). What } Surely, you do not mean that it 
was Jean herself who went through this experience? 

Doctor. That's exactly what I do mean. 

Miss L. {slowly). Oh-h-h ! Not vtBWy \ {A patise.) But how 
do you know so much about it } 

Doctor {bitterly). I happen to be the man. 

Miss. L. Oh-h-h-h ! Not really ! Why, why, I can see it all 
now ! That is why she kept interrupting when I started to tell you 
about it. (Doctor nods.) Did you know that she lived here when 
you came on with Mr. Jennings ? 

Doctor. No, indeed ! I thought she was married and living 
in Brooklyn. 



A Pair of Idiots* 35 

Miss L (looking at him thoughtfully over her glasses). Who 
would have ever dreamed, to see you quarreling, that you were 
once lovers {rising) \ I must tell Archie. 

Doctor {pressing her back into chair). Indeed, I beg you 
will not speak of this. 

Miss L. Not even to my brother ? 

T>oCTOK {e7nphatically). To no one. Can I depend upon your 
silence ? 

Miss L. Oh, you can trust me. I can keep a secret. Now, 
what do you intend to do ? 

Doctor. I'm sure I don't know ! Do you think there is any 
hope for me ? 

Miss L {droppiiig work in surprise). Do you mean to say 
that you are in love with her again ? 

Doctor {s7niling and picking up her silks). Again ? Why I 
have never been anything else. 

^liss I. (approving). That's what I call constancy! I admire 
your devotion, young man, and I shall do all in my power to help 
you (extends her hand). 

Doctor (shaking her hand heartily). That is awfully jolly of 
you. 

Miss L (risi?tg). I shall go to her now and tell her that she 
ought to be ashamed of herself. 

(Ready to ^;^/<?r COLONEL L. 2 E.) 

Doctor (sta7iding before her). Really, Miss Lucretia, I must 
beg you to do nothing of the sort. You would simply ruin my 
chances. But you can help me if you will. (Miss Lucretia nods.) 
I shall write her a note, and if you will see that it reaches her safely, 
I shall be deeply indebted to you. 

(Miss Lucretia ^<9^^ to davenport and brings T^octo'r paper, 
pen and ink. He seats himself at small table R. C, and writes. 
She tries to peep over his shoulder but starts back when he suddenly 
looks tip and pretends to be looking at picture on wall. Doctor 
reads over what he has written, folds letter^ places it in e7ivelope 
and gives it to MiSS LUCRETIA.) 

There, if you will kindly give her that I shall see what has become 
of Peter. ( Walks to entrance L.) I shall return later for my answer. 
( Turns and bows.) Thank you so much. 

(Exit Doctor L. 2 E.) 
(E7iter Colonel R. 2 E.) 

Qo\.o^YA. (rubbing his hands together). Well, well, well ! Young 
people are powerfully slow now-a-days. I didn't let the grass grow 
under my feet when I went courting. 

Miss L. (admiringly). That you didn't, Archie, and a right 
proper beau, too. Dear, dear, dear, those were good old days! 
( Wiping her eyes.) 

Colonel (slapping his knee). That they were, Lucretia, that 
they were ! Men were men, then, and as for the ladies — I wish 



3 6 A Pair of Idiots^ 

these silly girls could have seen you when you wore that grass- 
green hoop-skirt and your coal-scuttle bonnet. Bless me ! Bless 
me ! {Takes off glasses rubs them vigorously. Catches sight of 
letter still in MiSS LuCRETiA's hand). What's that ? A letter 
for me ? 

Miss L. (Iiidi7tg letter behind her). No, indeed, that's a secret, 

QoiuOl^^YAu {laughing and pointing at MiSS Lucretia). Ha! 
Ha ! Ha ! Lucretia, who is fool enough to trust you with a se- 
cret ? Why you never kept one in your life. 

Miss L. {indignantly tossing her head). Archibald Bradley, do 
you wish to insult me } 

Colonel {seating himself). Not a bit of it, my dear not a bit of 
it ! But a secret, Lu, a secret with you. Come tell me all about 
it. You know you won't sleep a wink to-night with a secret on 
your mind. 

Miss L {shaking her head). I can't tell you, Archie, I really 
can't. I promised I wouldn't. 

Colonel {taking paper from pocket). Oh, that's different! 
Of course, if you promised, you must keep your w^ord but [sighing) 
its the first time you ever kept a thing from me in your life. 

Miss L {hesitating). It does seem rather mean. I know what 
I'll do. I shall tell you all but the names. He couldn't possibly 
object to this. 

Colonel {looking up over the top of his paper). Who couldn't } 

Miss L. Why, Doctor Gunther. It's his secret, you know. 

Colonel {letting paper fall in astonishment). You don't mean 
Dr. George Gunther 1 Peter Jennings' friend ? 

Miss L {nodding). Yes. He has just left here. 

Colonel. What did he want ? 

Miss L. I can't tell you that; for it's part of the secret. Now, 
don't ask me any question to confuse me and I shall tell you as 
much as I can without breaking my promise. 

(Colonel lights a cigar and settles himself to listen.) 
You see Jean had a friehd — no, that isn't true. She said she had 
a friend who was in love with a man who was in love with her. 
One day he got angry because she provoked him and made him 
jealous and he went away and never came back because somebody 
told him she was married but she wasn't at all. {She says all this 
i7i one breath, then gasps.) Have I made it clear. 

Colonel. Certainly. It's as clear as— mud. Jean didn't 
have a friend who was in love and the man got mad and never 
came back because she wasn't married. {Imitates Miss Lucre- 
tia 's breathlessness and gasps. ) 

Miss L {impatiently). How stupid you are ! That isn't what 
I said at all. 

Colonel. Yes, it is. Now don't lose your temper, Lucretia. 

Miss L {angrily). I'm not losing my temper. You are enough 
to provoke the patience of a saint. I said here is a girl. 
{Extends right hand.) 



A Pair of Idiots* 37 

Colonel. Who isn't a friend of Jean's. 

Miss L [stamping her foot and frowni7tg). I didn't say that. 
Jean told me that she was her friend because she didn't want me 
to know she meant herself. 

Colonel {7todding wisely)' Oh, ho ! I see. Jean was telling 
a story about herself, but telling it in the third person. 

Miss L. Exactly. But I didn't want you to know it was Jean. 

Colonel {thoughtfull)'), I don't remember Jean's ever being 
in love. 

Miss L. It was three years ago when she was visiting at Block 
Island. She was going to tell you about it when she came home, 
but they quarreled and he went West and never came back be- 
cause he was told she had married a man named Taylor. {Again 
she talks breathlessly and gasps ^ 

Colonel {frowning). Who could have spread such a report.-* 
Jean never married. 

Miss L. Oh, he knows it now ! And he still loves her and I 
am to give her this letter. I do hope she accepts him, for he is 
such a nice young man. 

Colonel {holdiiig out his ha7id). Let me see it. 

Miss L. {drawing back). Oh, brother, I mustn't. He gave it 
into my charge. 

Colonel. Well, I'm not going to hurt it. {Takes letter from 
Miss L. and turns it over) Why, it isn't sealed. 

Miss L. Of course it isn't ! He knew he could trust me. 

Colonel {holding letter up to the light). Haven't you any 
idea what he said ? 

Miss L. No, indeed ! How could I } I tried to get a peep 
while he was writing but I hadn't my glasses on so I only saw the 
word — ** sweetheart. " 

Colonel {taking letter from envelope). Hum, I suspected as 
much ! 

Miss L. (indigna^ttly trying to take letter from Colonel). 
What are you going to do ? Surely you don't intend to read it ! 
Have you no sense of honor } 

Colonel {holding letter beyond her reach). Don't be a fool, 
Lucretia ! I am only doing my duty to my dau,Q:hter. As her 
father, I have a right to investigate her correspondence. Why, I 
know absolutely nothing about this young man. {Puts on glasses 
and reads letter. ) 

Miss L. {trymg to see over his shoulder). You have no right 
to read it. It is only because you have so much curiosity that you 
do so. He is a fine young man and a perfect gentleman. 

Colonel {looking up). Well, he may be all you say but I 
should call him a blatant idiot. 

Miss L. {raising both her hands in horror). Archibald ! I do 
wish you would be more particular about your language {coax- 
ing ly). What did he say ? 



38 A Pair of Idiots. 

Colonel {tossing letter into Miss Lucretia's lap). Here, 
read it yourself. The man's a fool ! 

Miss L. {drawing herself up stiffly). Do you suppose, for one 
minute, that I would read a letter not intended for my eyes ? I'm 
not so low as that, thank goodness ! 

Colonel. Pshaw ! Here I'll read it to you. You women 
have a queer sense of honor, I must say. 

Miss L. It's a hundred per cent better than having no honor at 
all. I shouldn't dream of opening another person's letter. 

Colonel {walking to lamp). Just listen to this {reads), 
" Sweetheart, can you ever forgive me } I know now that I alone 
was to blame. Dearest, I throw myself on your mercy. Won't 
you try to think of my sufferings and then, perhaps, you will feel a 
little less unkindly toward your faithful, penitent lover and slave, 

George Gunther." 

(Colonel looks up and laughs heartily). Did you ever read 
such mawkish rot } 

Miss L. Why, I think it is a beautiful letter ! 

Colonel. Pshaw ! That's no way to talk to a girl ! A woman 
never gives a snap for a man who lets her trample on him. Here 
give me a pen and I'll write a letter that will be more effective 
than all that lovey-dovey stuff. 

Miss L. {giving him pen). But, Archie, what good will that 
do.> 

Colonel {emphatically). A world of good. I'll put it into this 
same envelope and you can give it to her. {Tears up Dr. Gun- 
THEr's letter and throws it into scrap-basket.) Who'd have 
thought we'd turn match-makers in our old age, sis ? 

Miss L. {coldly). Old age, indeed! Speak for yourself. 
Colonel Bradley. 

Colonel {writing). Nonsense, Lu, don't get huffy. You're 
no chicken. There, read this. {Gives MiSS L. letter,) 

Miss L. {putting on glasses and reading aloud). "Honored 
and respected Madam." {Looks at Colonel and laughs) Good 
gracious, Archie, what age do you live in .^ No young man now-a- 
days addresses his sweetheart as " honored and respected 
Madam," I may be no chicken but I know that much. {Bell rings:) 
Bless me, there's the bell ! (Rises.) 

Colonel. Well, what if it is ? 

Miss L. It may be the doctor. I can't stay here and face him. 
I feel so cheap and' mean. I should think you'd feel so, too. 
..Colonel. What for? 
-Miss L. Why for being so dishonorable, of course. 

Colonel {shaking his finger at her). But, you see, that was 
all your fault, Lucretia. I'm sorry, but you know you never could 
keep a secret. 

Miss L. Archibald Bradley, y^hat do you mean ? You. are the 
most exasperating man. 



A Pair of Idiots. 39 

Colonel. Why, Lucretia, didn't you promise to keep this 
young man's secret ? 

Ready to enter PETER and GuNTHER. 

Miss L. Of course I did and I have kept it. I didn't promise 
not to repeat the story Jean told me, and it isn't my fault if you 
put two and two together, 

Colonel. But why did you read his letter } Oh, Lucretia ! 
Lucretia ! 

Miss L. {trembling with anger), Archibald Bradley, I could 
cheerfully shake you. I — I — never read his letter. 

Colonel. But you listened to it, Lucretia, and that's just as 
bad. • 

Miss L. [raising her handkerchief to her eyes). It isn't at all! 
Besides, you would read it out loud. 

Colonel {patting her 07i the arm). You should have held 
your ears. (Miss L. begins to sob.) There, there, Lucretia, don't 
be a goose ! I was only teasing. 

Miss L. I — I — hate you. You deliberately worm a thing out of 
a person and then call them all sorts of horrible names. I shall go 
straight to Jean and tell her the whole story. 

Colonel. You'll regret it if you do. Take my advice and 
give her this letter. After she has accepted the man, confess what 
you like. 

Miss L. Where's his letter 7 

Colonel {pointing to scrap-basket). There. 

Miss L. Archibald Bradley, you are the most unscrupulous 
man I know. I will never, never, never tell you another thing as 
long as I live. 

Colonel. I thought you said you didn't tell me anything. 

Miss L. {slowly). Well, I didn't, but you know what I mean. 

Colonel {laughi7ig). Yes, Lucretia, I shall never say again 
that you can't keep a secret. 

Miss L. {with dig7iity). If you have finished insulting me, I 
shall go. 

Colonel. Here, don't you want to give her this, or shall I 
throw it into the scrap-basket also. {Holds out his letter.) 

Miss L. {taking letter). I suppose I might as well take it, but 
it won't do a mite of good. It will only make her angry. 

Colonel. Nonsense ! Jean is my daughter, and doesn't lose 
her temper for nothing. 

Miss L. {sadly), I wish I had refused from the first to have 
anything to do with this whole affair. 

(Exit Miss Lu. L. 2 E.) 

Colonel. Poor Lu, she never could keep a secret ! I suppose 
I had better clear out now and leave Winifred a clear field, I 
pity that young man from the bottom of my heart. 

Exit Colonel, L. 2 E.) 
{Enter Peter andJ^K, Gunther, R. 2 E.) 



40 A Pair of Idiots* 

Peter ( crossing to L.). Hang it all, Gunther, I wish it were 
over ! I never felt so cheap in my life. It's one thing to practice 
this nonsense with a pretty girl to jolly one along, but for a sane 
man to stand up in a drawing-room and try to convince a little red- 
headed vixen that he believes himself to be Napoleon Bonaparte, 
is no joke. 

Doctor (seating hijnself, R. C.)» It's too late to back out 
now, old boy, and I'm heartily glad of it. The past two weeks 
have been pretty hard on my nerves. Just when I think I have 
you all boomed up to the situation,^^?/ you come down Hke a card 
house. 

Peter. It's very easy for you to sit there and jeer at me, but 
put yourself in my place for a minute, and see how you'd like it. 

Doctor. There's nothing I'd enjoy more. Brace up now and 
take your pose, for your strawberry blonde will soon be here. 
{Claps Peter on the back. Peter poses disconsolately,) Great 
Scott, man ! where's your snap } Here, do it this way. {Both 
me7t posing business?) 

Enter Miss Lucretia, L. 2 E.) 

Miss Lu. (looking at the men in ajitazement, advancing C.). 
Pardon this interruption, gentlemen. Miss Lester asked me to 
entertain you until she could come down, but as you seem to find 
each other's company amply sufficient, I might as well 

Doctor (adva7icing to R. of MiSS Lu.). Please do not go, 
Miss Lucretia. I am very anxious to see you. 

Miss Lu. (pointing to Peter who has kept his pose). What 
does this mean } 

Doctor (loweringhis voice). Well, it is only fair to tell you 
that my friend, Mr. Jennings, is a little — ahem — (Taps his fore- 
head and looks at MiSS Lou. significantly). You understand. 
He was recently injured in a — in — a — in — a — (Aside to Peter.) 
Plague take it. Peter, what did we decide to have you injured in } 

Peter (without moving a muscle). Mine explosion ! 

Doctor (in relieved tones). Oh, yes, a mine explosion! (To 
Miss Lu.) He has been under my care for some time, and I am 
sure I can pull him through. 

Miss L. (sidling toward D. R.). What is he doing } He — he 
— makes me nervous. 

POSITIONS. 

Miss Lucretia. 
Dr. Gunther. 
Peter. 

Doctor (soothingly). Oh, he imagines himself to be Napoleon ! 
Crazy men often take these fancies, you know. He is perfectly 
harmless, but I have to watch him closely for I never know what 
he will do next. 



A Pair of Idiots, 41 

Miss Lu {itervoiisly iivisiing her handkerchief). Pray excuse 
me a minute. I have forgotten my — my — my handkerchief. 

{Exit Miss Lucretia, R. 2 E.) 
Ready to enter Jean, R. 2 E.) 
(Peter relaxes, sighs a7id mops his forehead^ 
Doctor. It is working beautifully ! Nothing could be better. 
Now she will tell Miss Winifred, and half our battle is over. 
(Peter seats himself.) But you've got to throw yourself into the 
situation. You look as if you w^ere attending your own funeral. 
Where's your backbone } 

Peter (sadly). I don't know. (Looks about.) It was some- 
where around this afternoon, but it is completely gone now. 
Doctor. Here she comes ! Steady, man, steady ! 
(Peter resuinespose. ) 
Enter Jean, R. 2 E. 
Jean {advajtcing to C). Oh, Dr. Gunther, I'm so worried 
about Winifred ! I know she has hysterics. Aunt Lu told her of 
the sad condition of your friend, Mr. Jennings, and she simply 
burst out laughing, and she can't or won't stop. The more auntie 
talks to her, the more she laughs. This strain has proved too 
much for her, I know, 

{Ready to enter Winifred, L. 2 E.) 
Doctor {at Jean's R.). Shall I go up .^ Maybe I can help 
her. 

{Noise is heard R. 2 E.) 
Jean {going to door R. 2 E.). No, I hear her coming. 
Peter {aside to Doctor), Gunther, if she accepts me after 
this, rU murder you. 

{Enter Winifred, R. 2 E. wearing bright red wig.) 
Horrors ! Did you ever see such hair } 

Doctor {aside to Peter). Shut your eyes and you won't see 
it. 

(Peter closes his eyeSy Winifred walks to C, and views 
Peter critically. ) 

POSITIONS, 
Dr. Gunther. 

Jean, 
Winifred. 
Peter. 

Doctor. Miss Lester, this is Mr. Peter Jennings. {Lowers 
his voice). I suppose Miss Lucretia has told you of his affliction ? 

Winifred, {suppressing a laugh). Yes, indeed ! Poor fel- 
low, how unhappy he looks ! 

Peter {opening his eyes^ removing his hat, a7id facing her in 
amazement). Miss Bradley! (To DOCTOR.) Gunther, you're 



42 A Pair of Idiots^ 

a heartless rogue to fool me this way 1 ( To Winifred. He 
told me that Miss Lester was here, and I tried the pose you sug- 
gested. How did I do it.^^ 

Winifred {laughing). Finely, but I thought 

Peter (looking at her in surprise). Why in the world are you 
wearing that hideous red wig ? (Smiles.) Oh, I see, you wanted 
to fool me. (Claps hands). Capital ! Capital ! 

(Jean and Doctor look at each other blankly.) 

But, I say, my nerves won't stand much of this sort of thing. 
{Looks ^/ Jean and Doctor.) What's the matter with you all ? 
Why don't you speak } 

Win. {taking off wig). I — I— didn't think you would recog- 
nize me. 

Peter {triumphantly). Ah, but I did ! As soon as I heard 
you speak, I said to myself, " Pshaw, that isn't Miss Lester. You 
can't imagine what a relief it was. 

{Ready to enter CoLONEL, R. 2 E.) 

Doctor. Peter Jennings, are you crazy } Why that {pointing 
to Winifred) is Miss Lester. 

Peter. Don't be a fool, Gunther ! Haven't you the sense to 
see when a joke is played out } I had too pleasant a talk with 
Miss Bradley {bowing to Win.) this afternoon not to recognize 
her. 

Doctor {pointing to Jean). This is Miss Bradley. 

Jean {bowing to Peter). I am Miss Bradley. 

Peter {bowing to ]y.k^ and smiling). Pleased to meet you, 
Miss Bradley. Your sister and I are already acquainted. {Siniles 
at Win.) 

Jean. Really, Mr. Jennings, you are all at sea. I have no sis- 
ter. This {indicating Win.) is my cousin. 

Peter {looking from Jean to Win.). Indeed } I thought you 
didn't look much alike. 

Enter Colonel, R. 2 E. 

Colonel. Thunder and lightning, Winifred ! What the mis- 
chief are you doing with that blazing red wig } 

POSITIONS. 
Colonel 
Dr. Gunther 
Peter Jean 

Winifred 

Peter {taking a step forward). Excuse me. Colonel, but is 
that young lady your niece ? {hidicates Jean.) 

Colonel. For heaven's sake, man ! Haven't you settled that 
question yet ? Why, I expected to find you waiting for my bless- 



A Pair of Idiots. 43 

ing ! This {mdicatmg Jean) is my daughter, Miss Jean Bradley. 
(Jean baws.) That is the young lady in whom you are interested. 
(Indicates WiN. who imitates Jean's bow?) 

Peter {to Winifred). Why did you tell me you were Miss 
Bradley this afternoon. (Crosses to Winifred's side. Colonel, 
Jean, and Doctor talk in dumb show?) 

Win. (de7nurely), I didn't. It was you who made that state- 
ment. 

Peter (turning down his coat-collar^. You are a cruel, heart- 
less girl ! You insisted upon my taking this ridiculous pose just 
to make a fool of me, it seems. I trust you have enjoyed your 
joke. 

Win. You suggested playing a part yourself, you know you 
did, just to deceive a defenceless girl. To make her a pauper, and 
rob her of her inheritance, you adopted this role, and now — now, 
when things have turned out contrary to your expectations you 
feel very much abused, I — I— despise you. 

Colonel (stepping forward), Winifred, do you realize what 
you are saying ? 

Win. (jbitterly). Yes, and I mean every word of it. He js a 
scheming, mercenary miser and I don't care what becomes of the 
fortune. (Turns scornfully h.) 

Peter (bitterly). I wouldn't touch that money for ten million 
dollars. Colonel, I renounce my share of it. (Turns scornfully 
R. a7id folds his arms?) 

Win. (facing abruptly R.). So do I. You needn't think you 
are going to spite me by backing out. I refuse to have anything 
to do with it. 

Peter [facing Win.). I resigned first. 

Win. (a7tgrily). You didn't at all. 

Peter (bowing). Pardon me, but I did. 

Win. (bowing). Excuse me, but you didn't. 

Colonel [furiously stepping between them). You are a pair 
of idiots ! You haven't a grain of sense either of you. Such a 
state of affairs ! (Ru?ts both hands through his hair wildly.) 
Man's crazy, girl's a fool. (Paces floor excitedly?) 

Doctor [placing hand quietly ojt COLONEL'S arm). Wait a 
minute, Colonel, as far as I can see they have both failed to fulfill 
the contract. Surely, under the circumstances, neither of them 
can get all the money and it will have to be divided. 

Colonel (clasping his head). You'll drive me wild ! I don't 
know whether I am on my head or my heels. The money can't 
be divided, I tell you. Should they both refuse to marry, it is to go 
toward founding an Orphan Asylum. What in thunder are they 
kicking up such a row for anyway ? They are a pair of fools, 
fools, bUnd fools ! I won't put up with it. I won't, I won't. 

Peter (seizing Colonel's right arm). But, Colonel 

Win. (seizi?tg his left arm). " Uncle, listen to me. 



Jean 
Peter 



44 A Pair of Idiots* 

POSITIONS. 

Peter, Colonel, Winifred 

Peter. I can't, I really can't, you know. 

Win. {stamping her foot), I won't, I declare, I won't. 

Peter {firmly). I positively refuse. 

Colonel {to Win.). See here, you gave me your word and I 
shall hold you to it. You've ^^/ to marry this man ! 

Win. {shakmg her head violently). I shan't, I won't, I will 
not. {Folds her arms?) No power on earth shall make me. 
You can say what you please, you can do what you please, but 
{stampi7ig her foot) I wont — I won't — I wont. 
{ Walks away D. R ) 

Peter. Colonel, I insist upon your listening to me. I can not 
bear of Miss Lester's being forced into this marriage. Surely, she 
won't be breaking her promise if I refuse to hold her to it. 

Doctor {advancing to Peter's right and throwing his arm 
over his shoulders). You are spoiling your chances, Peter. Don't 
you see that you are only making her angry and you'll lose every 
cent. {Drawing hiin aside.) Take my advice and don't say 
another w^ord until she has cooled down. 

Peter {shaking Doctor's hand away). For heaven's sake, 
Gunther, keep quiet ! I know what I'm about and prefer to man- 
age this affair myself. 

Jean {putting her arm about Winifred's waist and drawi^tg 
her aside L.). Winifred, don't be a goose ! No one is going to 
make you marry him. Don't you see he has refused and you'll 
get everything ! Just wait a minute and don't get so excited. 

Win. {pulling away from Jean). Let me alone, Jean. I am 
not excited a bit, I am as cool as possible and I mean every word 
I say. 

Colonel {who has been pacing up and down center). Here, I 
can't think for all this confusion {to me7z). Gentlemen, will you 
come into my study a minute } I should like to speak to you 
where I w^on't be interrupted. 

{Exeunt Colonel, Doctor ^;/^ Peter L. 2 E.) 

Jean {sinking into chair R. C). Whew, what a scene ! Isn't 
it fine. Win ? Now, he'll back out and you will get the entire 
fortune. 

Win. {walking to mantei). I'm sure I don't want it. 

Jean {coaxin^-ly). Yes, you do, as long as you don't have to 
take him. He will refuse, I saw it in his eyes. You won't have 
to be Mrs. Peter Jennings, after all. I am so glad for it's such a 
cheap hrrrid name. 

Win. (facing her with snapping eyes). Jean Bradley, I do 



A Pair of Idiots* 45 

think you are the very meanest girl ! It isn't a cheap horrid name 
at all. It is just the kind of name I like. It just suits him, too, 
straightforward and manly without any foolish affectations. 

Jean {i7i surprise). Why, Winifred Lester ! What has gotten 
into you } One would think, to hear you talk, that you actually 
admired that man. 

Win. (seatmg he7' self and smiling). Well, I do. How can I 
help it } Don't you think he is just splendid } {Clasping he?' 
/lands.) 

{Ready to enter Dr. Gunther, L. 2 E.) 

Jean. Oh, he's nice enough in his w^ay ! Of course he can't 
compare with Georg;e. 

Win. What a ridiculous statement! He is as far above Dr. 
Gunther as the sun is above the earth. 

Jean {bitterly). If he is so fine, why do you refuse to marry 
him } 

Win. {sadly). If I gave in now he'd think I only accepted him 
for this tiresome money and I'd rather scrub floor than to have him 
believe me capable of such a thing. 

Jean. And you w^ould actually be satisfied to be Mrs. Peter 
Jennings } 

Win. There's no such happiness in store for me. {Seniles.) 
But I couldn't help laughing at his posing as Napoleon. You 
know I showed him how to do it. 

Jean. What a tease you are. (Noise of footsteps L. 2 E.) 
Well, here he comes. {Rises), Good bye, my dear, I shall return 
presently to congratulate you, Mrs. Peter. ( IValks to R. 2 E.) 

{Cough is heard L. 2 E.) 
Win. {rising aiid following Jean) . Ah, you are a little previous ! 
It is the doctor who is coming and I shall have the congratulations 
to offer. Au revoir. 

{Exit Win., R. 2 E.) 
{E7tter Dr. Gunther, L. 2 E.) 

Jean {nervously), W^here are Mr. Jennings and Dad ? 

Doctor {adva^icing toC). I thought it wiser to let them fight 
It out alone. Besides I wanted to bring you these. {Holds out box 
of candy to jEAN who pids her hands behind her. He looks at her 
with raised eyebrows the7i puts box on table?) Did you get my 
letter ? 

Jean {taki7ig 07ie step forward). Yes. 

Doctor. Did you read it ? 

Jean {t a ki7ig another step forward). Yes. 

Doctor. Well ? 

Jean {looking at hi7n i7i defia7ice). Well ? 

Doctor {extendi7ig his ha7ids). Is that all you have to say to 
me ? 

Jean {angrily). No. I want to tell you that your letter was 
the very rudest I have ever received. W^ho gave you the right to 



4^ A Pair of Idiots. 

lecture me ? This is the way I answer it. {Draws letter froi7t her 
pockety tears it across and throws pieces into the grate?) And 
this is the way I treat your gifts. {Empties caiidy into the scrap- 
basket and then faces hi^n with blazing ej/es.) How daied you 
write to me so ? 

Doctor {aghast.) I don't understand ! I apologize most 
humbly and throw myself upon your mercy. 

Jean {tossing her head), A pretty sort of apology, I must 
say ! 

Doctor {kneeling before grate and picking out pieces of let- 
ter.) Why, why, this isn't my writing ! I never wrote this. 
{Brings pieces to table and spreads thein out,) Where is the let- 
ter I asked Miss Lucretia to give you } 

Jean {pointing to scraps). That is the only letter I have re- 
ceived from you and I think you are perfectly horrid to say I acted 
like a spoiled baby. 

Doctor. But I didn't, I didn't — I vow, I declare, I swear, I 
didn't. I never penned a line of this. Do you believe I could ad- 
dress you in this fashion } 

Jean. How could I think otherwise ? {Picks up letter). 
Who, then, could have written this } 

{Ready to enter MiSS LucRETIA, L. 2 E.) 

Doctor. * I shall investigate this mystery. But, Jean {taking 
her hand), won't you try to forgive me and let us begin all over ? 

Jean {drawing away her hand and kneeling beside scrap- 
basket,) Oh, my candies, my candies ! They're all spoiled. 

Doctor {takmg away the basket). Never mind the candies, 
please listen to me. 

Jean. But I do mind. They are chocolates and I'm simply 
dying for some. Do let me see if I can rescue a few. 

Doctor. Then will you give me my answer ? {He gives Jean 
basket and they both pick out candles,) 

Jean. There, I think that is all. 

{Enter Miss Lucretia, L. 2 E.) 

We were just in time. 

Miss L. {advancing C. and looking around), \ — I — thought 
Archibald was here. 

Doctor. No, he is in his study with Mr. Jennings. Miss 
Lucretia, there has been some mistake made. Where is the letter 
I asked you to give to Miss Bradley ? 

Miss L. {much flustered speaking breathlessly). It was all 
Archie's fault ! I told him that it was a nice manly letter and I 
thought it did you credit ; but he said that it was " maudlin trash " 
and no way to talk to a girl. 

Doctor {severely). Do you mean to say that you told him the 
secret I entrusted to your keeping } 

Miss L. I didn't, I declare I didn't ! You can ask Archie. 
Do you dare to accuse me of breaking my word } 



A Pair of Idiots* 47 

Doctor (puzzled). But, I fail to understand ! If you didn't 
tell him how did the Colonel know anything about it ? 

Miss L. I don't know. I told him that it ^nzs your secret and 
he mustn't ask me any questions. As for the letter, I begged 
him not to read it but he said that it was his duty. 

Jean {reproachfully). Do you mean to say that you let dad 
read my letter ? Oh ! Aunt Lu, how could you ? 

Miss L. I had nothing to do with it, so you needn't blame me. 
It was a nice letter and I told Archie so but 

Doctor {grimly). So you read it, too, eh } 

Miss L. I did nothing of the sort, young man. 

Doctor. How do you know what kind of a letter it was, 
if you didn't read it } 

Miss L. Why Archie read it to me, of course ! And then he 
wrote that one. {Points to tor7i letter,) 

(Jean and Doctor look at each other then both laugh heartily,) 
Ready to enter Colonel ajid Peter. 

Jean. Dad wrote that letter } ( To Miss Lu.) 

Miss Lu. {nodding). Yes, he did. He said, he knew how to 
bring a girl to terms. That's the whole story, so you see I am not 
to blame, {To Doctor,) What struck that Peter Jennings to 
refuse to marry Winifred ? 

Doctor. He's got a crazy notion in his head that, if he pro- 
poses to her now, she will think he only wants her money. 

Jean. Isn't it funny, W^in. says just the same thing ? 

Doctor {to Jean). You see he has taken a fancy to her and 
doesn't want her to think him mercenary. 

Jean {clasping her hands). That's just the way Win. feels. 
How funny ! 

Doctor. If they are both taking that stand, I shall see if I 
can't use my influence, 

Enter CoLONEL and Peter, R. 2 E. 

Colonel {excitedly). You're as obstinate as they come. I 
thought Winifred was pig-headed, but she doesn't hold a candle to 
you. 

(Ready to e^iter Win., L. 2 E.) 

Doctor. What's the matter, Colonel } You look rather ruffled. 

POSITIONS 

Colonel 
Dr. Gunther. 

Miss Lucretia 

Jean 

Colonel. Ruffled } Ruffled ? Great Scott, Doctor ! Do you 
know what that young fool has the face to tell me } 



4^ A Pair of Idiots^ 

Miss Lu. (raising her hand). Archie, I'm surprised ! 

Colonel. Hold your tongue, Lucretia ! I feel as if it wouldn't 
take much to make me angry. He says he loves the girl and yet he 
wont ask her to marry him. {His voice rises to a squeak?) Now 
what do you think of that ? 

[Enter Winifred, R. 2 E.) 

Jean. And Win says almost the same thing. She- 

Win {advancing quickly to C), Jean Bradley, how can you tell 
such stories? I never said any such thing. 

Jean {faciiig Win). Why, Winifred, how can you deny it ! 
You told me you wouldn't give in because he'd think you only ac- 
cepted him for the money, and you'd rather scrub floors than have 
him think so meanly of you. 

Win. {weakly). I— I didn't. 

Peter {gloomily). If it were not for that money, Gunther, I'd 
be the happiest fellow alive. 

Win. If it were not for that money, Jean, I should be the hap- 
piest girl in the world. 

Peter {sighing). Confound it. (Doctor /^/^ hitn on shoul- 
der. ) 

Win. {sighing). Oh, dear ! {]^K^ puts her arm about Win.) 

Colonel. Look at them, Lucretia, look at them ! Wailing and 
sighing because they don't want twenty thousand a year ! Poor 
things ! {Sarcastically), Don't you pity them } 

Doctor. See here, Peter, you have both refused to marry 
each other, so of course the money must go to that blooming asy- 
lum. Now brace up and make love to your girl. 

Peter {briskly). That's so ! Miss Winifred, how stupid I've 
been ! Will you accept a poor beggar who has nothing to offer 
you but two strong hands ? 

Win. {laughing). Well, Mr. Jennings, you certainly waste no 
time. Isn't it nice to be free without any horrid will hanging over 
us. I feel like dancing a jig. 

Peter, I feel as if a ten-ton weight had been lifted from my 
heart. 

POSITION. 

Colonel 

Dr. Gunther 

Peter 

Miss Lucretia 

Winifred 

Colonel. Look at them (pointing to Peter and Winifred). 
Lucretia, look at them. Ready to die of joy to think they have 
thrown away twenty thousand a year. It's enough to drive one 
wild. 



A Pair of Idiots* 49 

Doctor. Ah, but Colonel. I've got a bone to pick with you. 
What did you do with my letter ? 

Jean. Yes, what did you do with my letter ? 

Colonel. (T^ Doctor). Your letter .^ (76' Jean.) Your 
letter ? 

Doctor. Yes. The one I trusted to your sister's care. 

Colonel. Oh, yes, you are the fool who made the confidant 
of Lucretia ! Let me give you a piece of advice, young man {winks 
at Doctor. )never do so again. 

(Peter and Win. talk aside ^ She gives hiui a flower froin her 
belt. He kisses the bud.) 

Miss L. Colonel Bradley ! I can keep a secret as well as you 
and I don't open other people's letters either, so there ! 

Colonel. Whoa, Lucretia ! See here, Doctor, that letter was 
a very pretty piece of composition but it was enough to make a 
horse laugh. Now the one I wrote may not have been half so soft 
but it was more to the point. 

Doctor. But, really Colonel, I object 

Colonel {raising his hand). Wait a minute, my boy! Didn't 
it bring her to terms } Hasn't she accepted you } 

Doctor (taking Jean's hand). But it wasn't the letter that 
did it ! 

Jean. Of course it wasn't. 

Colonel. I'm not so sure about that. 

Peter (to Win). I never said I disliked red hair. 

Win. {laughing), I always liked the name of Peter. 

Doctor. Isn't it a pity, Colonel, that the money has to go to 
that asylum } 

Colonel. What in thunder are you talking about } Asylum be 
hanged. The will reads that if they marry the money is theirs. 

Peter {tri^c^nphxntlv hoi tin ^ Win's hand). But we refused. 

Win, {holding her head high). Yes, we refused. 

Colonel {looking at them quizzically a minute, in silence). 
Aren't you going to marry } 

Peter. I — I hope so. Aren't we, Winifred.^ Do say "yes,'' 
dear. 

Win. {coverin<g her face with her hands). Oh, Peter ! 

Peter {drawing down her hands). That isn't an answer. 

Win {hanging her head). What do you want me to say ? 
*' Peter (putting his arm around her), I want you to say 
" Peter, I love you, and will be your wife." 

Win. Oh, Peter, you goose, I can't. 

PETER.f/£7 Colonel). Those are not the exact words but I 
think they will do. 

Colonel (shaking his head sadly). Then, as far as I can see, 
you will both have to accept the money. Too bad ! too bad ! Oh, 
Lucretia, Lucretia. a pretty pair of match-makers we are. {One 
arm about Miss Lu dfid the other extended.) Look at them, look 



so A Pair of Idiots* 

at them, Lucretia ! Not one — but two — no three pairs of idiots, 
for we are the biggest of the lot because we are old enough to 
know better. Idiots, Lucretia, idiots every last one of us. 

POSITION 
Miss Lucretia Colonel 

Jean Peter 

Doctor Winifred 

Curtain 



Men^ Maids and Matchmakers 

A Society Comedy in Three Acts, by ELEANOR MAUD CRANE 



Price, 15 Cents. 



Some bachelor girls keep bachelors' hall in a New York apartment; some bachelors 
of the other sex appear upon the scene ; some matchmakers settle the whole business. 
There is no unnecessary lovemaking ; the situations are new, and the dialogue is 
bright; the characters are all "stars." Well-devised plot and snappy act-endings. 
Recommended to all clubs that have produced the same author's Just for Fun. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

Bachelor Maids. Bachelor Men. 

Miss Stewart. Mr. Richards. 

Miss How^ard. jt Mr. Brewster 

Miss Everett. M Mr. Vincent. 

Miss Marshall, alz'asM Dr. Imhoff. 

Aunt Selina WinthrsB. Sammie {a caf). 
TiMK^-The Present. Place.— New York City. 
Time of Representation. — Two Hours. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — The bachelor men and bachelor maids are presented to one another and 
to the audience. ^ Aunt Selina appears upon the scene, interferes with the course of 
true love, and brings about an engagement. 

Act II. — One month later. Dr. Imhoff turns up and proves irrepressible. Mr. 
Vincent gets a lesson in lovemaking ; Mr. Richards gets into hot water ; Miss Howard 
gets misunderstood ; and everybody gets into a state of dissatisfaction. 

Act III. — One day later. Mr. Vincent as peacemaker. Aunt Selina upsets Miss 
Marshall's plans. The course of true love runs smoothly for once, and everybody is 
made happy, including Sammie, the Doctor, and the audience 

NOAH'S ARK, JR. 

A Farce in One Act, by SAMUEL EMERY, JR* 

Price, 15 Cents. 



This is a genuinely funny farce which satirizes the maudlin love for animals that 
is exhibited by some owners of pets. A parrot that swears and a young curate recently 
out of the seminary m.ake the basis of the fun. There is a series of wild complications 
that culminate in a half-hitched wedding. Some love-interest, but no lovemaking. 
The piece is thoroughly novel, original, and mirth-provoking. Plays itself, and will 
please everybody. 

DRAMATIS PERSONiE. 

Mr. Schuyler, Devoted to a quiet life and to " Polly.'* 

Mr. Rawdon, .... Devoted to physical culture and to " Jack." 

Mr. Morris, Devoted to Nettie ; laughs at locksmiths. 

The Rev. Mr. Smallworth, . . . Thirteen months out of the Seminary. 

Mrs. Uickerdick . Vice-president of the Society for Promulgating the Doctrine of 

the Transmigration of Souls, dotes on " Minnie." 
Nettie Schuyler. . Returns Mr. Morris's interest; laughs likewise at locksmiths. 
Jane, A maid. Hates parrots and other nuisances. 

Time of Playing. — 45 Minutes. 
Place. — Mr. Schuyler's New York house. Period. — The present. 

Dick & Fitzgerald, Publishers, 18 Ann Street^ New York 



**JUST FOR FUN 



ft 



An Up.taDatc Society Comedy in Three Acts, by ELEANOR MAUD CRANE 

PRICE, 15 CENTS 

Just for Fun is just the thing for amateur companies with ambitions above the 
levelof the one-act comedy. It is a clever representation of a phase of society life in 
New York. The dialogue is bright, the incidents are funny, and every character is 
prominent. The play is so easily staged that it can be done in a parlor without 
scenery. Its success in New York last winter was so pronounced that it is cheerfully 
recommended to all clubs in other parts of the country, 

DRAMATIS PERSONS 

Mrs. Fitzgerald Mandeville de Smythe . • a Would-Be Society Leader 

Miss Edith Morton, Aer niece a Western Heiress 

Miss Mabel West a Friend of Miss Morton's 

Jane McCarthey , , . , an Irish Maid-Servant 

Lord Chelsea • • < « an English Nobleman 

Jack Earl, his friend ...«••. a ppy-Go-Lucky Fellow 
Time. — ^The Present. Place. — New Yor 'ity. 
Time of Representation. — Two Hoi 



.'i 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — In the course of which the audience learns how v ' ons of her own. 

Miss Morton persuades her friend Miss West to change places .ith her, and Lord 
Chelsea and Mr. Earl decide to borrow each other's names ai..^ po./'^ions for a month. 

Act II. — During which Miss West plays eavesdropper, Mr. Ear. learns a great 
secret, and Jane makes a revelation to Mrs.de Smythe. 

Act III. — In which the complications are straightened out to the satisfaction of 
all concerned, including the audience. 

SNOBSON^S STAG PARTY 

A Farce in One Act, for \2 Male Characters, by U C* TEES 

PRICE, 15 CENTS 

DRAMATIS PERSONS 

Nicholas Snobson , . , . . . the Old Crank Who Gives the Party 

Clarence Mountjoy •••«,.• his Gay and Festive Nephew 

Ebeneezer Snowball •••••.• a Mischievous "Coon" 

Julius Dinkelspiel •• a Guest from the Fatherland 

Fazio Spaghetti a Dago Without the Monkey 

Henry Hawkins a Blarsted Henglishman 

Mrs. Hezekiah Chickenstealer, an unexj[>ected guest from 

Thompson Street . Female Impersonator 

Mrs. Michael Moriarty, from Shantytown^ likeivise unex- 
pected • •.••«..•. Female Impersonator 
Jim Scrapper ...... a Tough Gent from the Fourth District 

Alfonso Heavyweight ........ a Crushed Tragedian 

Bill Ballotbox ..... .... a Ward Politician 

Time. — The Present. Place. — New York. 
The piece will run about one hour, if played " straight." With specialties (which 
are provided for) it can be lengthened according to talent. 

THE KEY TO THE FUN 

Nicholas Snobson, a rich and eccentric woman hater, lives in seclusion with his 
lively nephew and a mischievous darky servant. Snobson is induced to ^ive a 
party — a stag party, because he won't have a woman on the premises. Being without 
friends, he selects the guests at random from the city directory and dispatches his 
invitations. Soon the company, of all colors and every race, begin to arrive, including 
two ladies — white and black — who get in by mistake, and the ''party" begins. Aftei 
■A succession of comical incidents and specialties I]ill Ballotbox, the ward leader, 
arrives with a brass band and a political delegation, and the fun culminates in a 
regular war dance. 

Dick & Fitzgerald, Publishers, i8 Ann Street, New York 



Dramas and Comedies 

(AT 25 CENTS EACH.) M. F. 

Breaking His Bonds. S«:rong Drama with comic underplay; 4 acts; 

2 hours. 6 3 

The Jail Bird. Drama of city life, containing a vivid plot with well 

diversified interest ; 5 acts ; 2/^ hours 6 3 

Golden Gulcli ("The Government Scout"). Drama that combines 

fun, sentiment and exciting situations ; 3 acts ; 2^ hours 11 3 

The Man from Maine. Comedy-drama with a wide-awake hero from 

'* down East " ; 5 acts ; 2% hours g 3 

Shaun Aroon. Stirring Drama of Home Life in Ireland; 3 acts; 2 

hours 7 3 

**The Deacon." Comedy-drama that is simply immense; old-man 

leading character ; 5 acts ; 2^ hours 6 6 

What's Next? Farce-comedy; 3 acts ; plays 150 minutes; raises 150 

laughs 7 4 

The New Partner. Comedy-drama ; strong plot moving episodes and 

roaring comedy ; 3 acts ; 2^ hours 8 4 

Josiah's Courtship. Farcical Comedy-Drama; uproarious comedy 

features alternate with forceful, but not heavy, pathos ; 4 acts ; 

2 hours 7 4 

Etin Go. Bragh. An up-to-date Irish Drama in 3 acts ; plays 2 hours ; 

both serious and comic in scope ; not sensational 5 4 

Plays for Female Characters Only 

(15 CENTS EACH.) M. F. 

Who's to Inherit ? 1 act ; brisk and comic 9 

Mrs. Willis' Will. 1 act ; neat, funny and bright 5 

My Aunt's heiress. 1 act ; has a " Cinderella " plot ix 

The "Sweet" Family. Musical, wise and otherwise; will make a 

mummy laugh 8 

A Lesson in Elegance (" The Glass of Fashion ")• Society comedy ; 

I act 4 

Murder Will Out. i act j^ humorous, with a moral 6 

A Slight Mistake. 1 act ; enforces a moral in a comic way 5 

Fast Friends, i act ; society quarrel and reconciliation 2 

A Fair Encounter, x act ; bright, with a diamond-cut-diamond plot.. 2 



t 



Plays for Male Characters Only 

(15 CENTS EACH.) ^ ^ M. F. 

The Lost Heir. Drama in 3 acts ; excellent plot of unflagging interest. 10 

** Medica." Roaring farce in i act ; sure to please 7 

Wanted, A Confidential Clerk. Farce in 1 act; comic and spirited... 6 

Old Cronies. Farce in i act ; rollicking fun all through 2 

April Fools. Farce in i act ; brisk, bright and comic 3 

The Darkey Wood Dealer. Farce in i act; always scores a success... 3 

Mischievous Bob. Comic drama in i act ; good moral 6 

The Wrong Bottle. Temperance sketch in i act 2 

Well Fixed for a Rainy Day. Temperance Drama in i act 5 

The Harvest Storm. Drama in i act ; strong in its interest, vrith a 

comic underplot 10 ^ 

Furnished Apartments. Farce in i act ; very laughable in its absurd fl 

complications 5 

The Widow's Proposals. A *' Widow Bedott " farce in i act 3 

A Manager's Trials. Farce in i act ; creates shouts of laughter 9 

The Bachelor's Bedroom (" Two in the Morning'). Farce in i act ..J 2 ^ 

The Dutchman in Ireland. Farce in i act; good characters 3 

The Nigger Night School. Farce in 1 act; a "screamer" with 

specialties 6 

A Holy Terror. Farce in i act ; white or black faces ; specialties can 

be worked in ; uproariously funny 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, i8 Ann St 






, N. V. J 



LIBRARY OF CONGREbb 



016 102 824 1 



TOWNSEND'S 



f> 



"AHATEUR THEATRICALS. 

A Practical Guide for Amateur Actors* 

PRICE. 25 CENTS. 

This work, without a rival in the field of dramatic literature, covers the en- 
tire subject of amateur acting, and answers the thousand and one questions that ] 
arise constantly to worry and perplex both actor and manager. It tells how to \ 
select plays and what plays lo select; how to get up a dramatic club— whom to ( 
choose aiid whom to avoid ; how to select characters, showing who should assume { 
particular rofes; how to rehearse a play properly— including stage business, by- 
play, voice, gestures, action, etc. ; how to represent all the passions and emo- 1 
tiong, from Love to Hate (this chapter Is worth many times the price of the book, j 
as the same information cannot be found in any similar work); how to costume ! 
njodem plays. All is told in such a plain, simple style that the veriest tyro can J 
understand. The details are so complete and the descriptions so clear that the \ 
most inexperienced can follow them readily. The book is full of breezy anecdotes ( 
that illustrate different points. But its crowning merit is that it is thoroughly ( 
I PRACTICAL— it is the result of the author's long experience as an actor and man- \ 
* ager. Every dramatic club in the land should possess a copy of this book, and no ] 
actor can afford to be without it. It contains so much valuable information that \ 
even old stagers will consult it with advantage. 

HELMER'S 

ACTOR'S MAKE-UP BOOK. 

A Practical and Systematic Guide to the Art of Making-u^ for the Stage, 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 

Facial make-up has -nriuch to do with an actor's success. This manual is a perfect ] 
encyclopedia of a branch of knowledge most essential to all players. It is well ] 
written, systematic, exhaustive, practical, unique. Professional and amateur \ 
I actors and actresses alike pronounce it the best make-up book ever published. ( 
It is simply indispensable to those who cannot command the services of a per- { 
ruquier. 

CONTENTS. 

Chapter I. Thratrical Wigs.— The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs and J 
Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. Directions for \ 
Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. ( 

Chapter II. Theatrical Beards.— How to fashion a Beard out of Crepe Hair, i 
How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simulated. I 

Chapter III. The Make-up.— A successful Character Mask, and how to make ! 
it. Perspiration during performance, how removed. \ 

Chapter IV. The Make-up Box.— Grease Paint . Grease Paints in Sticks; Flesh j 
Cream; Face Powder; How to use Face Powder as a Liquid Cream; The various \ 
shades of Face Powder. Water Cosmetique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa ^ 
Butter. Crepe Hair and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. ** Old \ 
Man's" Rouge. ** Juvenile*' Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's Grease, j 
Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hare's Feet. Camel's-halr ! 
Brushes. ! 

Chapter V. 'Thb Features and their Treatment.— The Eyes ? Blindness, f he \ 
Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or mustache ; How to t 
paste on eyebrows : How to regulate bushy eyebrows. The Eyelashes : To alter { 
the appearance of the eyes. The Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose; How to use \ 
the nose putty : a pug nose; an African nose ; a large nose apparently reduced in i 
size. The Mouth and Lips : a juvenile mouth; an old mouth; a sensuous mouth; i 
a sathical mouth; a one-sided mouth, a merry mouth; a sullen mouth. The] 
Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger-nails: Finger-nails lengthened.] 
Wrinkles : Friendliness and SuUenness indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A \ 
Starving Character. A Cut in the Face. A Thin Face made Fleshy. { 

Chapter VL Typical Character Masks.— The Make-up for Youth; Dimpled { 
CheekSo Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunkard: One method; an- j 
other method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. Chinese. King Lear. Shylock. Mao- 
beth. Richelieu. Statuary- Clowns. ^ 

Chapter VIL Special Hints to Ladies.— The Make-up, Theatrical Wigs and J 
Hair GoodSo 



. "Copies of the ahove wilt be mailed^ post-paid^ ^ any address^ #i»J 

[ r*>^ipt of (he annexed prices. 

>DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann St., N. Y. 



AM 



